Be Brave, Sleep More

No, those aren't connected, aside from both being resolutions for this year. Or maybe they are? (Something else to ponder... while trying to fall asleep, no doubt.)

1. Be brave.
2. Sleep more.
3. Respect my limits.

I get a lot of my inspiration these days from Twitter. (I promise this is the last Twitter mention for a while. Really.)

For all the vitriol I know people experience there, in my little corner of the Twitterverse I see a lot of encouragement. About a lot of things, but right now I'm thinking of the encouragement I've seen about being one's full self. About being brave. About self-care, knowing one's limits and keeping them safe.

Which has made me think about some of mine. So here's one of them.

I have a hand tremor, have had it since high school. I don't think of it as a disability, but in truth it has shaped me and changed life choices and limits what I can do.

(One early example: the doctor who saw me back then joked about it being a good thing I wasn't planning on being a surgeon. He didn't know me. He didn't know that. He didn't know I'd been planning for years to be a vet.
     Now, given the reason I'd noticed the tremor in the first place was because I had to have my lab partners do the measuring in chem class, he wasn't exactly wrong... But.
     Also, pretty sure he wouldn't have made this comment so quickly if I'd been a boy. 1988 and all.
     I joked about this incident for years without realizing how much it had hurt and how much it shaped how I think about myself in relation to the shaking.)

It poses physical challenges sometimes - I'll just find there's something I can't do.

It's painful sometimes - when it's especially bad I'll notice the muscles of my arms are trying to control it and then they ache. (Doesn't work anyway.)

It impacts decisions I make. It's gotten worse as I get older and I have other issues with my hands as well, so I anticipate a time when... well. Let's just say I've prioritized what's important for me to be able to do by hand, and let go of some activities I used to enjoy. And have started paying attention to certain commercials on MeTV.

On a day-to-day basis it's mostly background noise (getting louder over time). Looking back though I can see myriad things I have done over the years to accommodate it. And when I pay attention I see myself doing a half dozen little things in the course of a day without noticing.

So, as part of being brave and setting limits, I am starting to be more open about it. Declining to do things I know I can't do without difficulty, and asking for help when I need it.

Without apology, or letting myself feel less for it.

It's a new place for me. And one (here's where I get schmoopy) I wouldn't have gotten to without being on Twitter. So thanks.

Having too many feels to think of anything clever,
Annie

A Month Later, A Month Wiser (A Month More Ambitious...)

I had big plans.

I was going to knock out the first draft of this novel by the end of March. Or did I say the end of February? Whatevs. Clearly I was on writer's high. I think that's related to runner's high? 'Cause I've made the same kind of pronouncement about my running goals too, only to have it fall short of reality. Miles short.

After the glories of NaNo I floundered through pretty much all of December. I was having trouble figuring out a new writing schedule, for sure, but I also wasn't sure what I should be focusing on. Typing up my handwritten pages? Editing while typing or after? Writing new material? More research? All of that needed to happen. Eventually I settled down to typing up my pages without trying to significantly edit or write new material, and instead just keeping track of any new ideas and the changes I want to make.

And then...

I was chatting a bit with a friend on Twitter about wanting to see alt-history where the Aztecs defeated the Spaniards AND the resulting technological and social development was not along European lines. And I kept thinking about it, and then because neither of us have enough to do I suggested a writing challenge: to come up with a short story, set in that world, in six months.

And then an offhand comment of his made me think that this could fit into the story world I am currently working on. Since I had just come to the realization (yet again) that these books I have in mind are going to be more demanding than I previously thought (both world-building and stylistically), why not pull this in too? And thankfully I have calmed down the thoughts about needing to get this done by the time I'm... whatever age I'm fixating on at the moment.

Fairly quickly I had mapped out a set of questions for myself, avenues to explore, resources to investigate. I have some things already in mind... and my existing characters seem to be taking it in stride. Whew.

Happy writer wriggles. I feel like a pup given a new toy.

So I guess now I have bigger plans. I'll keep on typing up my pages through January and February, make notes for new stuff, get some more research done, and then use March as my own personal NaNo. Since it's my birthday month and I like giving myself challenges as gifts, obviously. And then... cycle repeat, probably, since it seems to be a cycle that works for me. And at some point things will get finished. Probably. Hopefully.

Still wriggling with writing pleasure,
Annie

Starting Over

Welp, I've realized I need to rewrite my novel. All of it. (I realized I needed to change the point of view.) Gah.

I knew I was going to have to do some massive reworking - and making this change will allow me to address some other issues I was having with it - I just didn't think it would involve rewriting the whole thing. Thankfully I have a sense of how to start. Because otherwise I really would feel thoroughly effed.

Right now I need to be focusing on the marathon anyway, what with less than two months to go... and I have a baby quilt overdue... and school is about to start which always takes more time and energy than it feels it should... all of which is to say I don't see myself plunging into this rewrite in the next two months. But that doesn't feel good either.

So, I've decided this year to tackle National Novel Writing Month again. Or NaNoWriMo, as they put it. November - 50,000 words, 30 days. And use that time to tackle my rewrite.

And in the meantime I will prepare - more research and writing exercises. I've got my list and have started to work through it and am getting excited.

I have no idea if I'll manage the word count. It's so out of my normal writing rhythm it seems impossible. But why the hell not try. It's not as if I have anything to lose, after all.

(And if you're doing NaNoWriMo too, you can find me on there as A Crow, Chicago. I'd love to have company.)

Yours in words,
Annie

We'll See

I'm attending a poetry workshop tonight at the Poetry Foundation, my first ever. I have no idea what to expect. It's on hybrid forms of poetry ("forms that trouble, cross, and blur literary genre boundaries"), inspired by a recent exhibit, "Monster Roster: Existentialist Art in Postwar Chicago" at the Smart Museum. We had homework to prepare in advance: to see the exhibit and take notes on everything that struck us - the art, certainly, but anything else noteworthy we experienced while there.

The exhibit itself was remarkable and I think I will be absorbing it for a while, especially as I've started painting again. I'm nervous about the workshop. I haven't shared any of my recent work and my writing process is so slow (multiple rounds of working and reworking) that I'm sure I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing anything I write tonight, tonight. But I've been wanting to take part in a workshop and everything lined up for this one - the timing (usually their workshops are on Saturday mornings), the topic, the exhibit - so I'm putting on my "big girl pants" and showing up, regardless of what happens.

Venturing out,
Annie

What I've Been Up To (Part 3)

What I have been doing these last four months is writing. In fact, I've been working on a novel.

Back in June I decided it was time to start taking my writing more seriously, and I gave myself a year to write whatever, to figure out through writing what form I was most drawn to. (Some background: I have always thought I would write a book... someday.) I assumed that form would end up being nonfiction: essays, perhaps, or memoir. I was surprised to find out as I worked that I had a novel taking form. I've been working on it now since July.

I spent a number of months trying to figure out a writing routine: times of day, by hand or on the computer, that sort of thing. Not unlike trying to figure out a training routine! This wasn't easy with marathon training going on as well. Then at the beginning of November, with the marathon over, I decided to take part in a writing challenge, the National Novel Writing Month. Right from the start it was clear I wasn't going to be able to meet the word counts, but focusing on my writing for the month showed me what routines and methods will work for me.

I don't expect I'll finish this novel any time soon, so while I am letting people know that I'm working on it, I'm not giving out any details. I'm also developing some other projects, so I have something to turn to when I'm feeling stuck or disheartened at my slow pace on the book ("A month's work and it's in the wrong direction!" Yes, I did have that happen already.) Capturing ideas, taking notes, collecting scribbles. Saving newspaper clippings! All things I have always done but with no clear end in mind.

I'm having fun. It's not easy, of course - I can see why I haven't settled down to this before now. But I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing.

With great satisfaction,
Annie

What We Do For Our Children

As usual, we spent the first week of July in Ohio, visiting my mother-in-law and making the annual trip to Kings Island. No running at all on this trip and not nearly enough hiking either - too many mosquitos, for one, and G is not such a fan of hiking as D was at that age (we have moved on from the stroller, much to his occasional regret). A lot of walking, though, and being tugged at - a lot of picking up and carrying. My shoulder is not happy with me - my PT will not be either. Sometimes it's tough being three-and-a-half.

I did have a new adventure. No stroller meant no stroller at Kings Island, either, which meant both kids were able to have their own experience of it. We split up most of the day, each taking one child, and while I was mostly with G, I did get to hang out with D for part of the day.

"We can do whatever I want?"

"Yes." (Within reason, of course, but he's such a reasonable child I didn't even have to say that.)

"I want to go on the Adventure Express."

O-kay. What have I gotten myself into? But okay. Must not show fear.

I should mention that I am not a fan of heights and have only slowly been working up to riding roller-coasters at all.

Almost no line. "Secure your belongings." Four sets of three rows of seats, two across. Strap on, restraining bar down. A sign before us says hands, feet, arms and legs must stay in the car. "Clear?" "All clear." And off we went.

The point of this coaster - and why D loved it - appeared to be to throw you around, very fast, in tight turns. One slow rising and a view of the park from up high, then down and immediately into a turn into another into a tunnel into a turn. Then I lost track. I wasn't expecting all the being thrown about and was holding myself too tightly, bracing myself - my shoulder hurt, my neck hurt, everything hurt. But the boy was loving it. We came into the landing. "Can we do it again?" Almost no line. "Okay."

So we rode it again, and again, and again, and would have snuck in one last time for lucky #5 but the line suddenly swelled and we needed to get back to the others. After the first time through I cradled my shoulder and let everything else get very loose, relaxing myself as much as possible so it wouldn't hurt and I could enjoy myself.

But mostly, I enjoyed D.

Fondly,
Annie

Art & Fear (& Boxing)

It occurred to me during boxing drills the other day that it is really good practice for painting.

Boxing, like art, demands that I be present, fully engaged in what I am doing.

And I don't always know if I have what I need to do it.

With boxing I know that I don't, and won't for a long time. That's why I stay in my basement and don't seek out matches.

With painting, to a great extent I also know that I don't have what I need. My picking it up and putting it down, over and over again over the years, has left my hand rusty, my technique minimal. That is why I stay in my study, and don't seek out showings.

But with both I can trust that if I stay with it, and keep stretching myself, over time I will know what I'm doing.

That won't take away the fear. I will still have to show up, and be fully present, and ready to expose myself, and willing to take risks. And still struggle with my materials (the paint, my body) and with technique, and still keenly feel the gap between what I have in my head and what I can put forth.

But in practicing both, in honing my hand and becoming familiar with my materials, I will also be practicing standing up with fear. And so I will become familiar with that too, and able to work with it.

Sounds worth it.

Practicing being brave.
Annie

On The Road Again

Well, after a break of maybe four years (and my license expired), I drove the car again. Got a call from The Dude saying Buddy's bike had broken down on their way to soccer practice and could I drive down to where they were with a screwdriver. After trying to think of all the different ways they could possibly manage without my doing it, I got the Goo dressed, found my keys, grabbed the tool kit, screwdrivers, and diaper bag and headed to the garage.

I don't think I have ever been more freaked out in my life.

And then I just did one thing at a time. Turned on the light in the garage. Got Goo in the car seat. Put the other stuff in the front seat. Sat down. Adjusted the seat and the rearview mirror. Put on my seat belt. Checked the emergency brake. Turned on the car (keeping it in park) and tried out the pedals to remind myself which was which. Opened the garage door. Put the car in reverse and backed out into the alley. Closed the garage door. Drove the 3/4 mile to where the boys were waiting for me on the side of the road.

And then after they fixed the bike, I loaded up the car with tools and toddler again and drove back home. They continued to soccer.

And you know what?

It felt good.

It really does come back to you. Just like "riding a bike" (something else I don't want to do in Chicago but with more reason, I think).

I can't wait to get re-licensed and be officially (ahem, legally) on the road again.

Bravely,
Annie

If The Shoe Fits

You know you might be an athlete when...

On hearing about a friend losing a trainer/boyfriend your first comment is, "Wow, that's rough, good trainers are worth their weight in gold." (To be fair to myself, I didn't realize until afterwards that he was also her boyfriend.)

When fantasizing about playroom space in a possible new home you start thinking about exercise equipment and a dedicated workout space... when others in your household are thinking about musical instruments or building/dress-up materials.

You realize when reviewing your spending and schedule that all your spare funds and free time go towards your athletic pursuits.

Someone calls you one.

Lately I've gotten a number of compliments about my youthful appearance and about my organizational ability. While I certainly appreciate such comments, these are things that are just part of me, without any particular effort on my part. Just lucky, I know. But I have worked, I am working hard to become the athlete I always dreamed I could be... even when I couldn't admit to myself that's what I wanted.

So thank you.

Gratefully,
Annie

Out in the Open

I wrote after the recent holiday weekend how I had to change my plans for training that week around. Pretty much the story of all my serious athletic endeavor (excepting one period in my life I'll come back to later) has been like that, because it all has been after becoming a mom. And, you know, things happen. Your life is no longer your own.

Which, for me, is a very good thing. And in some very surprising ways.

So, after that intense holiday weekend I decided to take it easy on my Tuesday run, so that I would be more refreshed in the evening for my boxing class. Good thing, too, because it ended up being a private lesson. Talk about intense. And I got to ask my questions, one of which was what I should work on in practice between classes.

And then last Friday, I went to the back room of the gym, and I practiced.

And then I did it again yesterday.

I don't know if I can sufficiently convey to you the importance of this to me. The back room of our gym is an open space. There's a rowing machine and some bikes against one wall, a mirror the length of one wall, a cabinet with audio/visual equipment in one corner, and then one wall has an assortment of various gym equipment. Jump ropes, kettle bells, stability balls, slider pads, yoga mats, other stuff I haven't paid too much attention to. Mostly in the past I come in there to row and maybe to stretch a bit. Other people come in there to work on drills or fitness exercises, by themselves or with a personal trainer. So it's a place where people come to do private stuff (no classes) - but it's a wide open space, and the mirror means everyone can see everything that is going on.

So that's where I practiced. I started by rowing for 5 minutes, then jumped rope, then worked on my footwork, then on combinations. No bags there so I couldn't really hit, and I felt way too self conscious to really shadowbox. But I could work on technique, making sure I kept my head down and hands up, that I didn't cross my feet over each other, to lean in when I ducked and not too far when I slid. When I didn't know what to do or felt too stupid doing what I was, I jumped rope until I regained my composure and decided what to work on. I did this for twenty minutes and then rowed for another five.

And sure enough, people came in while I was practicing, and left, and new people came in. And they had their thoughts about what I was doing, or didn't (I always have thoughts about what I see people doing in there, though they're always good ones, I just like watching people and seeing what they're up to). And I didn't spontaneously combust.

Last Tuesday ended up being another private lesson for me, nice, but I can't make next week's (The Dude has a gig) so I'll be going in to the Sunday class instead. I'll know at least one person there but don't know what it will be like otherwise.

Oh, and my hand wraps came in, bright red. Trainer said it may take me a while to get used to them but they felt like part of me right away. Though I don't fully remember how to put them on and every guide I can find online has different instructions. So I'll just have to ask again. I do need to remember not to throw them in to the wash unless I want everything I own to be bright pink.

I've been reading The Boxer's Heart: A Woman Fighting by Kate Sekules, and it's really helpful on the philosophical question front, basically because she had the same ones I do. But the piece I've been really moved by is the documentary Shadow Boxers, which gives a brief overview of recent women's boxing and then profiles Lucia Rijker, a world champion and my new hero. She is an amazing fighter but also very articulate about the dangers of it and why she goes into the ring.

Oh, and all this makes me think about lots and lots of other stuff, and I've been looking into other gyms and classes since I can't afford to do this every month (which was another reason why it's important that I be able to work on my own)... though mostly my investigation has shown me that I was really lucky to stumble onto what I have, so I may end up sacrificing some other things (that trail race?) to keep going.

Now if only Mexican boxing would come on random late night TV again...

Infatuatedly yours,
Annie

Hooked

Okay, forget anything I wrote about not continuing with boxing. I went to what I thought would be my last class last night (after taking a week off the week before) and found myself just as in love with it as the first time. And this was after having run seven miles to work that morning...

This time, in addition to the intoxication of the speed/power/form/skill/thinking of the actual exercise, we spent a fair bit of time discussing the different types of boxing and what they focus on. (We ended up skipping a whole jump rope segment to talk about this - thanks to those seven miles earlier I was quite happy to skip that!) The other woman has recently started going to another gym to be able to qualify for amateur fighting, and had a lot of questions/complaints about how things are being done there. Our trainer comes from a professional background so was explaining the difference between the two. Which gave me room to voice the teeny tiny issue of what about this whole hurting people business...

...because, really, what business do I have learning something that's all about hurting someone...

...except for the fact that I really, really love it (and so far, have not hurt anyone).

No answers yet. That's okay. It's enough that there was room for the question. And I have some idea of where to begin looking for other voices.

One of my favorite writers comes to the rescue:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I guess I will just have to fit this into my training somehow, especially as I'd like to start practicing a bit in between classes. Perhaps by becoming stronger and more fit? Well, time will tell.

Excitedly,
Annie

Can She Do It?

This weekend I turn 42.

My 7s years have always turned out to be meaningful for me so I've been curious for some time about what this next year might bring me. And I wanted to mark it in some way.

So tomorrow I'm going to run 42k.

(Yes, that is just about a marathon.)

Now, when I made this plan, about six weeks ago, I really didn't expect it to still be so cold. I envisioned myself running down the length of the lake to the south side until I was halfway done, then simply turning around and coming back. I rarely get to run on the south side of the lake anymore (I used to live down there and loved running that stretch), so I was really looking forward to it.

But with the current forecast two things worry me. One is the wind. Up on the north side if the wind gets too bad along the lake I can always cut back in to the city, and I'll know where I am and how to get around. But that's not at all true farther south. In fact, once I get too far south there are places where I definitely do not want to be forced off the lakefront trail. So for safety's sake, now is not the time to be exploring the southern lakefront by myself.

Then the second concern is having my water bottles freeze. The forecast is better than it's been for the past few days, with a current expected high of 26. But it's going to get down to -4 tonight, so it will start off cold tomorrow, and I don't know how long it will take to warm up. Now, I've taken the day for myself tomorrow, so instead of gearing up to leave from daycare as soon as I drop the kids off, I'll actually come home first. That will give me the opportunity to assess the weather conditions and also provide a little warming-up time. But I do have to expect that it will be cold for much of the morning.

So my new plan is to run different loops, with our lobby as the base for all of them. I'll be able to stash my drinks and extra food in our mailbox, and dash upstairs if I need to take a pit stop. I'll even be able to discard or change layers if it gets too warm for what I'm wearing. I'll do my longest loop first and work my way down (8-7-6-5) which should be a nice mental boost, and for variety I'll do each one in a different direction (N-W-S-E) which will allow me to end on the lake. I'll have to deal with some ice, but the sidewalks are largely clear right now after last week's rain, so it shouldn't be too bad. Sounds nice, huh? Postively indulgent.

And I'll wait until spring for my lakefront adventure.

Anticipatorily,
Annie

The Struggle

Those who are regular readers know that I have struggled all summer long between conflicting mindsets when it comes to training (and to the rest of my life, really, but that's a different post). There's the me that wants to be in the moment, appreciate the journey, take everything in, be at one with the universe and at peace with whatever comes my way. You know, the evolved me.

And then there's the competitive weasel me that seizes on any external marker as a way to size myself up and provide affirmation.

This struggle is evident in the story of my marathon.

I'm not disappointed AT ALL in how things ended. I am still really proud of what I did and that I was able to go after my true goal - that of enjoying the day and loving other people. But I'm writing today because I'm a little bit regretful about how things started. Not just in the day but during taper (the three weeks before the marathon when I should be resting and recovering while still keeping just active enough to stay sharp).

I had the feeling throughout those weeks that I was self-sabotaging. Not getting enough sleep. Not eating well. (I'm not going to detail the food stuff except to say that I struggled with an eating disorder for many years and still struggle sometimes with eating and how I think about eating.) Not adjusting my workouts well. And then, in the days right before the marathon, by not eating enough -- not carbo-loading well. Same thing that morning. And in the first part of the race I wasn't careful enough with my walk breaks. My breakdowns in the last five miles were very clearly related to the choices I made in the weeks of taper and in the days and hours immediately before the marathon, and my mindset going into it.

In the end I'm happy with how I handled what came up during the event itself - but things didn't need to have gotten to that place to begin with. I'm sorry I wasn't more self-aware in those last weeks. I think really I was trying to sabotage the competitive me so that I could have the experience I really wanted (and had).

But you know, wouldn't it be nice to have just chosen that course instead of tricking myself into it?

I belong to an online running group, and one of the members of that group (hello, Joel!) wrote this reflection about goals after reading my story:

I trained as best as I could, but came to the line knowing that my original stretch goals for the event were not in reach... The races themselves were more like regular training runs, but with crowds and a tight schedule. I worked my way through, so that I could wear the t-shirt, and set my next goal. I still want to keep doing them, although they have been far less fun [than his first race experience].

All of this is why I am so delighted with [Anne's] Chicago Marathon experience. I was downtown volunteering and hoped to meet her, so I was watching her times. I knew she missed her goal, and was worried when she went Facebook-silent for the rest of the day. Her recap yesterday was pure sunshine. Anne did all of the work to get to the start line, and her physical and mental fitness are not at all diminished by the fact that her pace wasn't what she hoped for. But I've been in this activity long enough to know that to let go of goals and just enjoy the experience of the run can be much harder than actually pushing all the way and meeting your time. Anne deserved her victory lap through the city, and I am inspired that she was able to take it as such, goals notwithstanding...
  
[Regarding fellow Sub-30 Group runner Lonnie St. John] ... he has shown how to keep the joy while still running with real intelligence and self-awareness... [italics mine]

That is what I want, really. To run with joy and intelligence and self-awareness. I think I am a little bit closer to this after this year's marathon. And I'm looking forward to getting closer still.

Yours truly,
Annie

Studio Space

Oh, I dream about having a room of my own --- or at least a significant chunk of space where I can lay projects out and leave them there for a while.

In the meantime, some photos from the space I currently work in, which is a corner of our main room.

Actually, I'm blessed by good afternoon light, and a nice stretch of floor and our eating table to lay things out on when I'm working on them. I just have to always, always, put everything away again.

The center table is my "office" space, so I don't use that much for projects. Maybe not the best layout, now that I think about it, though of course all this has kind of just grown up and around my middle desk as I've been doing more with my hands. We plan to do a major re-org of our two front rooms soon, so these are good things for me to think about. 

And while I'm wishing, a bit of wall space would be nice too!

Apologies and Insecurities

Half of me wants to go back and delete everything I've written here about art and not post again until I feel halfway proficient at something.

I look at my past work (mostly painting and drawing) and think, "How did I do that? No, really, how?" Such a mystery, how one mark against another resolves itself into something more.

And now I find myself mostly wanting to work in fabric --- quilting, embroidery, perhaps painting and printing too. A whole new world to feel insecure in.

Well, hopefully that last bit of self-pity is out now. One last spurt of "pardon-my-hubris-for-thinking-of-sharing-anything-at-all-and-go-gentle-on-me" before I participate in an online quilt group and start posting some of my other work.

Eh, Or Maybe Not

After thinking some more about these birds I'm making, and looking at the photos in the book of what they're supposed to look like, and then thinking some more (mostly about what really gets me excited about working with cloth and thread, and what would I design if I were to make up some birds for my friends), and then staying up too late and waking up too early because my brain is just turning... I've switched gears, jumped tracks, and am heading in a somewhat different direction. Somewhere that's more me.

Thankfully most of what I cut out can be cannibalized for these new designs, and with a little bit of sketching and a little bit of photocopying, I am now ready to cut out new patterns tonight and get started sewing on the train tomorrow.

This Week: Cutting, Sewing, Swearing, Groaning

A number of my friends had babies about the same time that my imp was born. Those whose showers I was able to attend got a gift from their registry, but a few of them never ended up getting a gift for their children at all, which I have not been happy about (especially when we have then received gifts for Buddy from them... oh, the shame). And then two of my friends in this category have since had a second child! I am far, far behind in my gift-giving.

So I have started my venture back into art-making with a number of gift projects, some for Christmas, and some to ease my conscience around missed gift-giving opportunities. This week I have been working on two stuffed birds, both from, or loosely based on, designs in the book "Little Birds."

I'm working on a tight deadline so I don't think I'll get any process pictures up. A childhood friend from Japan whom I haven't seen in 24 years will be here for a conference in two weeks, and since I'd rather not pay the postage to Japan I'm trying to get these done in time for her arrival. Hence some of the groaning. The other groaning came when I first turned the body of one of these birds right side out. It's been so long since I made anything three-dimensional in fabric, and never from someone else's pattern (or so small) --- it just didn't look anything like I thought it would.

Still, it is in process --- the body is not yet stuffed or closed, the wings are not yet attached, the decorative stitching and beading is not yet done --- and I am trying to remember that it has been a very long time since I made anything at all and to have patience and gentleness of heart towards myself.

I am so very much enjoying all the parts of making these birds: choosing fabrics, cutting out the pieces, pinning, machine sewing, turning, stuffing, handsewing (in the train this morning!), embroidering. So that gives me confidence about what I am doing overall... regardless of how these particular birds might turn out.

New Challenges

Many people this summer, when they found out I was either training for or had run the marathon, had this reaction: "I could never do that."

Really?

I have never doubted that I could run a marathon, even back when I first started running. The question for me was always, "Do I want to run a marathon?" and, more importantly, "Do I want to enough?" Twice now I've started training to do so and realized that no, I didn't want to badly enough. I don't think there's any shame in changing your mind about a goal if in the course of striving for it you learn new things --- about what's needed, about what you're capable of, about what you're willing to do --- that make you reevaluate the worthiness of attempting it at that time.

(Of course there are limits on what any individual body can do, but I think that they are often less than we are willing to believe.)

There are other limits that we place on ourselves though, I believe mostly out of fear. One limit I have put on myself consistently is to say, "Oh, I could never make a business for myself with my art."

Really?
And why is that?

My answers are not all that good.

So, I'm going ahead and putting it out there and saying, I want to develop my artistic voice, and I want to put my work out there, and I want to make a business for myself with my art.

I don't know what that will look like right now. I do believe that it will take time to grow, and that my vision will evolve as I get back in the practice of making art and as I learn more about the business of art and as I get a better sense of where my work fits into that world.

But I do know that I am tired of coming up with reasons "this is why not", and am ready to live into "Why, yes!"

Do I want this enough?

I think I finally do.