Friday, January 26, 2018

I Blush

It's been quite a week for outside affirmation, and it's only Friday.

One is a work-related invitation for some months from now, so I'm not jinxing that by naming it here.

One is very private (blush) so I'm definitely not sharing that here.

One I've been sharing all over the place (you may have already seen it); a devotion I wrote for work has gotten more attention than usual. In particular, I had the unexpected honor of having it read out loud at our weekly staff meeting.

I have noticed that the more I risk in these devotions - by being more personal, more emotional - the greater the response. That's a nice affirmation of what I've been trying to do in my writing and in my life: to be more brave, to allow myself to be vulnerable.

But it was also surprisingly gratifying to hear it read out loud to me.

There's a stylistic gap between the writing I did until about, oh, ten years ago, and the writing I do now. That's fine, I understand that, my form and my intent have changed so it makes sense my style would too. But I've missed aspects of my earlier writing and I've been trying to find ways to bring it back, but into these new forms.

When I heard that devotion read out loud, I heard echoes of my earlier writing - and that buoyed me. It gave me hope that I might be on the right track after all.

A small victory? Perhaps. But I will grab it and tuck it away to remember for when I'm feeling writer misery again.

Saving some sunshine for a rainy day,
Annie

Friday, January 19, 2018

Be Brave, Sleep More

No, those aren't connected, aside from both being resolutions for this year. Or maybe they are? (Something else to ponder... while trying to fall asleep, no doubt.)
  1. Be brave.
  2. Sleep more.
  3. Respect my limits.
I get a lot of my inspiration these days from Twitter. (I promise this is the last Twitter mention for a while. Really.)

For all the vitriol I know people experience there, in my little corner of the Twitterverse I see a lot of encouragement. About a lot of things, but right now I'm thinking of the encouragement I've seen about being one's full self. About being brave. About self-care, knowing one's limits and keeping them safe.

Which has made me think about some of mine. So here's one of them.

I have a hand tremor, have had it since high school. I don't think of it as a disability, but in truth it has shaped me and changed life choices and limits what I can do.

(One early example: the doctor who saw me back then joked about it being a good thing I wasn't planning on being a surgeon. He didn't know me. He didn't know that. He didn't know I'd been planning for years to be a vet.
     Now, given the reason I'd noticed the tremor in the first place was because I had to have my lab partners do the measuring in chem class, he wasn't exactly wrong... But.
     Also, pretty sure he wouldn't have made this comment so quickly if I'd been a boy. 1988 and all.
     I joked about this incident for years without realizing how much it had hurt and how much it shaped how I think about myself in relation to the shaking.)

It poses physical challenges sometimes - I'll just find there's something I can't do.

It's painful sometimes - when it's especially bad I'll notice the muscles of my arms are trying to control it and then they ache. (Doesn't work anyway.)

It impacts decisions I make. It's gotten worse as I get older and I have other issues with my hands as well, so I anticipate a time when... well. Let's just say I've prioritized what's important for me to be able to do by hand, and let go of some activities I used to enjoy. And have started paying attention to certain commercials on MeTV.

On a day-to-day basis it's mostly background noise (getting louder over time). Looking back though I can see myriad things I have done over the years to accommodate it. And when I pay attention I see myself doing a half dozen little things in the course of a day without noticing.

So, as part of being brave and setting limits, I am starting to be more open about it. Declining to do things I know I can't do without difficulty, and asking for help when I need it.

Without apology, or letting myself feel less for it.

It's a new place for me. And one (here's where I get schmoopy) I wouldn't have gotten to without being on Twitter. So thanks.

Having too many feels to think of anything clever,
Annie




Tuesday, January 16, 2018

A Month Later, A Month Wiser (A Month More Ambitious...)

I had big plans.

I was going to knock out the first draft of this novel by the end of March. Or did I say the end of February? Whatevs. Clearly I was on writer's high. I think that's related to runner's high? 'Cause I've made the same kind of pronouncement about my running goals too, only to have it fall short of reality. Miles short.

After the glories of NaNo I floundered through pretty much all of December. I was having trouble figuring out a new writing schedule, for sure, but I also wasn't sure what I should be focusing on. Typing up my handwritten pages? Editing while typing or after? Writing new material? More research? All of that needed to happen. Eventually I settled down to typing up my pages without trying to significantly edit or write new material, and instead just keeping track of any new ideas and the changes I want to make.

And then...

I was chatting a bit with a friend on Twitter about wanting to see alt-history where the Aztecs defeated the Spaniards AND the resulting technological and social development was not along European lines. And I kept thinking about it, and then because neither of us have enough to do I suggested a writing challenge: to come up with a short story, set in that world, in six months.

And then an offhand comment of his made me think that this could fit into the story world I am currently working on. Since I had just come to the realization (yet again) that these books I have in mind are going to be more demanding than I previously thought (both world-building and stylistically), why not pull this in too? And thankfully I have calmed down the thoughts about needing to get this done by the time I'm... whatever age I'm fixating on at the moment.

Fairly quickly I had mapped out a set of questions for myself, avenues to explore, resources to investigate. I have some things already in mind... and my existing characters seem to be taking it in stride. Whew.

Happy writer wriggles. I feel like a pup given a new toy.

So I guess now I have bigger plans. I'll keep on typing up my pages through January and February, make notes for new stuff, get some more research done, and then use March as my own personal NaNo. Since it's my birthday month and I like giving myself challenges as gifts, obviously. And then... cycle repeat, probably, since it seems to be a cycle that works for me. And at some point things will get finished. Probably. Hopefully.

Still wriggling with writing pleasure,
Annie




Thursday, January 11, 2018

Tweet, Tweet

About three months ago I started actively hanging out on Twitter. Prior to that I would occasionally go on, reading it as a kind of news feed. But I started noticing Twitter handles for some authors I love, and began adding them, especially once I saw they were posting all kinds of good writing advice, and book recommendations, and overall smart thinking about the state of the world. And from those people I found other people to follow and so on and so on... a whole world of really interesting and brave and beautiful and inspiring people. I don't think I can overemphasize how much I've been given by all this.

I never meant to start commenting myself.

But here's the thing. I've been looking for a writing community, a reading community, a queer community, for a while now. And while Facebook is useful for a lot of things I don't feel I can be my full self on it. My Twitter self is the closest to my writing self which is probably closest to my most deeply felt self. (And therefore also my most vulnerable and hungry self.)

In Twitter I've found the closest thing resembling tribe... I was going to say in a long time but I think perhaps ever.

So how could I not chime in, from time to time?

I wrote last month about some of the challenges I experience about being on Twitter. Since then I feel I've gotten more of the hang of it. Both how to be a respectful participant and how to manage my own anxiety. Because of course there are all the usual pitfalls of social media magnified by the fact that I don't actually know these people, yet feel compelled to bring my most fully felt self into that space.

It's been good practice in sitting through discomfort, let me tell you.

It's also made me think more about the roles I have in my real-world communities and the power I have, and also what I consider to be my work in this world. That is leading me to be more deliberate in some of the choices I make and what I voice. Hopefully more brave too.

And being deliberate and brave can never be a bad thing.

Quietly,
Annie