Birthday Roundup - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

My treat for myself this birthday was two days off - no work, no kids (well, during the day at least). I should have also put, no expectations, but more on that later.

Things I was looking forward to:

• Going running after I drop the boys off - so then I can come home and take my own sweet time cleaning up and getting dressed.
• Re-shelving my books!
• Reading!

Other things I had planned: Way too long a list.

What actually happened:

My first day off was mucky to start. Rain into snow, with a nasty wind coming off the lake. So no running for me. Instead I finally used the exercise bike I'd assembled 10 days before (a Christmas present from my parents).

I've been needing this for a couple of years. When we moved I lost easy access to the gym (we also cut back on spending). The first year I continued to run in the mornings, even muscling through the winter months, but as I've focused more on my writing I've found it harder and harder to keep a consistent exercise schedule, and I've missed it. Physically for sure, and mentally as much so. So it was a big deal to ask for this (and took me months to actually give them the model info).

Before I got to that point in the day, though, I had to deal with my head.

Birthdays always trip me up emotionally. I don't know why, but they do. And usually well in advance of having them. This year, though, I had been looking forward to it, so I wasn't expecting my first response once I dropped the kids off and was heading home to be a pervasive sense of "I suck and nobody likes me."

Looking back I can see what led to this but what I knew at the time was, no way do I want to sit in this all day, and, screw trying to understand why I feel this way, I just need to take action to stop it.

So I do what I do when I feel isolated and alone. I emailed friends to set up phone dates. I confirmed movie plans. I stayed off of social media.

(I've written elsewhere about my frustration that I can't easily handle impromptu social interaction, so I'm not going into that here, but, no, I could not "just pick up the phone".)

And then I had a lovely day re-shelving my books and finally using the exercise bike and reading. Just like last year. Oh, and going to see Hamilton, which was The Dude's birthday present to me this year. (Oh. My. God. I have all the feels about this musical. Don't get me started.)

Then the next day dawned bright and sunny and I could go for my run and come home and laze about and read and eat chocolate before I even took my shower and it was lovely...

Until I thought, well, it's time to look at that list of Things I Was Going To Do With My Time Off.

Never do that. Not for a birthday vacation. Not ever, really.

My problem was that almost everything on that list was writing related, so in theory I was looking forward to it all... but in reality I have routines set up for my writing and outside of those routines I find it really hard to work on it. And having two days off is WAY outside of my routines.

Plus I just finished a massive chunk of work on it and maybe should have planned to give myself a little bit of a break...?

Long story short, I spent the rest of my day trying to force myself to be productive and failing, and that's never good for my head. And not a good way to end my time off.

Next time, I'm setting my to-dos like this:

RUN.
EAT CHOCOLATE.
READ.
Maybe putter a bit if it makes me feel good.
BUT MOSTLY READ.

Learn from my mistakes so you don't make them,
Annie

Mission Accomplished!

And I feel grand.

Looking forward to writing about it later this weekend.

But just a quickie...

After mile 20 I started worrying if I was going to hit the wall, as I have in my previous two marathons. I had to really step in with some serious self-talk about how I am so much better prepared for this, I am tougher than I've ever been, I am smarter about these things now, etc. At some point the thought popped into my head,

"Wall? What wall? I piss on the wall!"

And you know what?

I never did hit it.

In fact, my last three miles were my most enjoyable (not fast, I was both battling headwinds and going uphill, but fun), AND I felt like I could have done more.

I am now eating a sandwich from my favorite bagel shop called the "Xena, Warrior Princess" and about to take a hot shower.

Damn, it's a good day.

Can She Do It?

This weekend I turn 42.

My 7s years have always turned out to be meaningful for me so I've been curious for some time about what this next year might bring me. And I wanted to mark it in some way.

So tomorrow I'm going to run 42k.

(Yes, that is just about a marathon.)

Now, when I made this plan, about six weeks ago, I really didn't expect it to still be so cold. I envisioned myself running down the length of the lake to the south side until I was halfway done, then simply turning around and coming back. I rarely get to run on the south side of the lake anymore (I used to live down there and loved running that stretch), so I was really looking forward to it.

But with the current forecast two things worry me. One is the wind. Up on the north side if the wind gets too bad along the lake I can always cut back in to the city, and I'll know where I am and how to get around. But that's not at all true farther south. In fact, once I get too far south there are places where I definitely do not want to be forced off the lakefront trail. So for safety's sake, now is not the time to be exploring the southern lakefront by myself.

Then the second concern is having my water bottles freeze. The forecast is better than it's been for the past few days, with a current expected high of 26. But it's going to get down to -4 tonight, so it will start off cold tomorrow, and I don't know how long it will take to warm up. Now, I've taken the day for myself tomorrow, so instead of gearing up to leave from daycare as soon as I drop the kids off, I'll actually come home first. That will give me the opportunity to assess the weather conditions and also provide a little warming-up time. But I do have to expect that it will be cold for much of the morning.

So my new plan is to run different loops, with our lobby as the base for all of them. I'll be able to stash my drinks and extra food in our mailbox, and dash upstairs if I need to take a pit stop. I'll even be able to discard or change layers if it gets too warm for what I'm wearing. I'll do my longest loop first and work my way down (8-7-6-5) which should be a nice mental boost, and for variety I'll do each one in a different direction (N-W-S-E) which will allow me to end on the lake. I'll have to deal with some ice, but the sidewalks are largely clear right now after last week's rain, so it shouldn't be too bad. Sounds nice, huh? Postively indulgent.

And I'll wait until spring for my lakefront adventure.

Anticipatorily,
Annie