Afterwards

It only just occurred to me that I didn't write any update here about the marathon. Probably because I didn't finish, and was okay with that, and had other things I was thinking about... But here's what I wrote to a friend who asked about it.

I haven't blogged yet, but when I do it won't be a play-by-play of the marathon as in the past - more a meditation on pain and privilege. Stuff I've been thinking about all season, actually.

This is what I wrote donors:

"If you were tracking me you'll know already that I didn't finish. I'd been in pain from the start and at mile 17 it was too much to continue and I dropped out. Nothing serious, just an unfortunate combination of long-term structural imbalances and unresolved past injuries - stuff I'd struggled with all season but just came to a head during the race.

      This experience has strengthened my resolve to "retire" from marathoning, so I'm especially grateful for a super-successful fundraising year - together we all raised over $1700 for Chicago Lights! (Or $100 for each mile I finished.)"

What made this year different (in terms of going on despite pain) is that 1) this year my back was hurting as well, and it was actually worse walking than running, and 2) I really didn't have anything to prove to myself or anyone else. Last year, once I realized I could continue, I wanted to keep going as long as I could. This year I realized the only way I could possibly continue was an extended break at the aid station, with no guarantee that I wouldn't have to stop again. And I decided that the pain was worse than my pride.

I'm putting a hold on marathoning, though oddly enough, the first half, despite being painful, went well. I kept an even pace and felt stronger than I had all year. But that made me realize how much I've missed that kind of racing (at distances of 15k - 13.1m), and how in the future, if I were to do a marathon again, I'd want to know I could run it that way - strong, steady, and able to push harder as I went along. But for that kind of running I would need to train for at least a couple of years - purposefully, eyes on the prize kind of training - and not until after I've gotten my shoulder and back taken care of. And honestly I don't want to train that hard, I have too much else I need to focus on.

So that's the marathon.

Some of what I plan to focus on - what I already am focusing on - is writing, and increasing my activism around anti-racism and trans rights. NaNoWriMo begins next week... *rubs hands*.

Still running though, I've been loving my short early morning runs in the dark, watching the sun begin to rise (it's still dark when I get back!) and seeing who else is up that early. A lot more people than you'd think.

Contentedly,
Annie

A Few Last Thoughts

Welp, the marathon is in less than a week. I'm as ready as I can be... which is to say I'm really not well trained for this one, but I'm in a better place for it than I was last year and I managed to finish then. So not feeling excited but also not feeling nervous... mostly curious. What will it be like? Each one has been so different.

You'll see plenty of articles talking about setting your A goal, B goal, and C goal for any race. Usually it has to do with time/pace but aside from a vague desire to finish under 6 hours that seems ridiculous for me this year. Here are mine:

A goal - Finish under 6 hours.
B goal - Stay present, be in the moment as much as possible.
C goal - Finish.

And now that I've written them down I see that my middle goal is really my first. At some point in doing these I realized that I can do them, I am physically capable of covering the distance. More than once, as a matter of fact. And so I think the reason I keep doing them (since goodness knows I'm not doing them faster each time) is for the experience of it. In which case my main goal needs to be truly experiencing it, to the best of my ability. All of it, including whatever might come up for me emotionally or mentally.

I think I need to take some time this week to meditate on this and set some intentions. :)

So, revised goals:

A goal - Be present and in the moment, with my thoughts/feelings and my surroundings.
B goal - Finish under 6 hours.
C goal - Finish.

Choosing my music will be a part of setting my intentions. I'm going to stay with what I've been running to all summer, these songs and rhythms have felt intensely personal in a way I'm not going to talk about here, but here's what I've been listening to:

Macklemore - "Genesis"
Michael Blume - EPs "When I Get It Right" and "cynicism & sincerity"
Bomba Estéreo - "Amanecer (Remixed)"
Nakhane Touré - "Brave Confusion"
Fania Studio - "Calentura: Global Bassment"

Plus a whole mess of singles I've found through Spotify over the last couples of months, a lot of club/dance/trance/trap and a lot of it fantastically queer, in all senses of the word.

And then, if I hit a point where I need to not be present for a while, I have episodes of The Adventure Zone lined up. (I don't know how to describe this, it's a live-action Dungeons & Dragons game, yes, but good grief it's so much more. And terribly, horribly funny. I can't actually listen to this while running - I keep stopping and laughing - this is for those times when I can't do anything but walk for a while.)

See you on the other side -
Annie

I'm Running A Marathon When?

Oh yeah, in less than a month.

Maybe time for some updates. Even some introduction for those who haven't followed my running before.

First of all, I'm running it because I like training for and running marathons. There isn't anything noteworthy or inspiring about this, this is just what I like to do. Some people travel, some people play video games, some people take intensive classes in their area of interest. I run long.

Second, I'm raising money for Chicago Lights as part of the process because it's an organization I hold highly, all the more so because I get to work so closely with staff. (Not closely in terms of my work but rather physically - my cubicle is surrounded by Chicago Lights staff and I get to hear all kinds of cool stuff that goes on behind the scenes and most people will never even know was a part of the process. But trust me, these programs are in good hands.)

(And if you'd like to contribute to my fundraising campaign - every bit helps! - you can do so here.)

As far as my actual training goes this summer it's been... okay. Better than last year for sure, I've been able to hit all my recent long runs. They've been hard, much harder than in the past, and I'm pretty sure that's because I haven't been getting my midweek mid-length runs in until recently. (All due to scheduling issues - especially the challenge of scheduling morning runs when both The Dude and I are training for this and have similar mileage ramp-ups.) And I had a couple of old injury flare-ups earlier in the summer where I had to back off  of training for a while - luckily that seemed to take care of those.

I think this will be my last road marathon for a while. (I know, I know, I've said that before.) I'm looking forward to more trail running, and also to regaining some speed by training for shorter races. This will be my fifth Chicago Marathon (plus my "rogue" marathon as The Dude likes to call it), and that seems like a good number to pause on.

But first... there's a twenty-miler coming up this weekend and then the insanity of taper. And then...!

Always take the ice bath,
Annie

Yup, Doing It Again

Marathoning, that is.

This time with The Dude (first time ever).

He's under the impression we're going to run it together... mhmm, we'll see.

But it's fun to plan together and share the process.

I am over the moon happy about training again. No really, the feels are too big for me to get down right now, I just... sigh. Happy happy.

(I'll try to get more coherent about it as we go through the summer, I can't just wave my hands around and squeak every time I talk about it.)

We'll be running it for Chicago Lights - me again, him for the first time. I'll get our fundraising info up soon.

And now to map out this week's long run!

Gleefully,
Annie

Surely I Never Said That

It's early (very early) days yet, but The Dude and I are thinking about marathon training together, for 2019. We'd do it with the Chicago Lights Marathon Team, the same fundraising team I've run with for my last two marathons.

I'm so excited. *big grin on my face, happy dance in my chair*

When The Dude told me he was thinking about it, I shot out of my seat.

"Let's do it together!"

Side-eye from him: "Didn't you say you were done with marathons?"

What?????
Me, say something like that???

(Okay, maybe I did...)

Ridiculously yours,
Annie

Did A Marathon Thing This Month

So, a recap. This was my fourth Chicago Marathon, and my fifth overall.

The first 8 miles were good. I followed my plan of 4:2 run/walk and that was comfortable, I felt I could keep going just fine. The pace allowed me to eat and drink as I needed to easily, and also gave me a chance to cool down each time I walked. I knew it would get hotter as the day went on so that was important.

And then, suddenly, my left ankle twinged. Loudly. Angrily. The same feeling it had given me six weeks before. Back then that pain wasn't what had stopped me (the foot bruising on my right foot was the ultimate culprit), but I recognized it immediately. I kept going, cautiously, but within a mile things were much worse.

Excruciating, in fact. Make me cry kind of pain. It was clear I wouldn't be able to continue for another 17 miles. I stopped. Hobbled forward. Stopped. Texted The Dude to let him know I was calling it. Just like that, my marathon was over.

Except I wasn't willing to wait at the side of the road, so I kept limping on to the next aid station. Only it didn't come. I kept going, stopping from time to time to rest, rotate my foot, start again. I reached the Gatorade/water area and asked about the aid station only to be told it was past all the drink stands, so I kept going...

And somewhere between the beginning of the water area and the end I realized my foot didn't hurt as much as it had been. In fact, enough so that I didn't look for the aid station and decided to go just a little bit farther.

After all, it felt lame to only be out there for two hours. Could I possibly do 3? Four? Could I get to 10 miles? Eleven? A half? Or even 16 (the length of my longest runs to that point and the place where I'd sometimes had trouble in past marathons)?

And underlying all that, I remembered what an online friend had written me early that morning:

I woke up thinking about you. Today is going to be a very good day because you will be open to possibilities- and I know in my heart that you will be a blessing to someone else on the course today, simply by being YOU.

Well. If Laurie thought I would be a blessing to someone - but I didn't know where, or how, or when - then I needed to stay out there on the course for as long as I possibly could.

I put on a podcast and kept walking.

I was resigned to not finishing - I figured I was going so slowly I would get scooped off the course when they needed to shut it down. But that was okay. That was out of my hands. All I could do was keep walking, and so I did.

At about mile 15 I thought I might try to run a little, walking was getting tiresome. Keeping my feet very low I tried a little shuffle run - and it was okay. So from there I ran a little (shuffled a little), walked some. Shuffled a little, walked some. Made sure I was still taking in enough to eat, to drink, taking my salt tabs.

I had never been so aware of the course as this time and it was glorious. In the past I had remembered some parts of it as being bare. Desolate, even, and I kept looking for that and couldn't find it. All along the way there was something to see, to remark on, to enjoy. I recognized people on the course - passing them, being passed by them - more so than ever before. This was a whole new marathon.

At some point I realized I could probably do it. My God, I'd already endured 10 miserable miles, what was another 8 really? And with each mile it became more and more within my grasp, even the possibility of finishing within the cutoff.

Make no mistake, this was rough. Painful. Tiresome. Hot. (I was doing okay on food, but I spent easily the last eight miles fantasizing about a cold Coke.)

And then it was 20 miles and I thought, okay, this is going to happen. Then 22, 24, and then there was the turn and the rise and the last stretch and I was done. Despite the pain, despite my disbelief.

And in (almost ) all my photos from the course, I am smiling.

Six hours and thirty-six minutes. Over the allotted time, so not an official finisher. But. I have my medal. I know what I did and what it took. And I wouldn't change anything about it.

Yours,
Annie

Got A Marathon Thing Tomorrow

My iPod is loaded with podcasts, playlists, and albums.

My race vest is loaded with fuel.

My gear bag is loaded with clothes for after.

I've slept as much as I can this week, am as carbo-loaded as I can stand.

And I raised all the money I needed to.

Physically I'm probably in the worst shape I've ever been heading into this - mentally I'm probably in the best.

So wish me luck and we'll see what I can do!

Eagerly,
Annie

Oops, I Did It Again (Back In)

Yeah, I'm back into marathon training. It seems I just can't stay away. I start getting excited... and then thinking about how I might do it... it's for an awesome cause... I've spent the money after all... I could just start that day and see how far I can go... I'll regret it if I don't...

Whatevs. After this I should stop saying I'm going to do a set thing when it comes to running 'cause I cannot tell you how many times I've set out with a plan only to watch it fall through. At least if I stop writing about it I don't have to admit to changing my plans. Again.

Anyway, I've been thinking about how I've gone about my training this year all wrong. Once I started back up again mid-summer I should have taken a much more conservative approach, and planned on a walk-run strategy from the start. (Also, I should have replaced my shoes sooner.)

From talking with other marathoners who have moved to a walk-run approach, I think it's not impossible to make a good attempt on Oct. 8 (three weeks away!) The Dude is worried that I'll push too much and injure myself seriously and that's not an unreasonable fear. So I'll have to have a mindset that day that allows me to stop if need be - and yet still provides motivation to continue even in tough spots. Not a tricky balancing act at all. In some ways it's lucky that I had that disastrous long run a couple of weeks ago - I could feel when I needed to stop. Mind you, I kept going and that was a mistake, but it was a good reminder that if I pay attention I do know the difference between when things are uncomfortable and I want to stop vs. when I'm about to hurt myself and need to.

And most important, I have to be okay with the possibility (likelihood) that I won't be able to go the whole distance. Like, really okay. I think I am now... I know I hadn't been before, and that's why I had thrown up my hands and quit. Twice. But now I'm thinking, what, give up this awesome opportunity just because I might not finish? Pshaw. It's not as if I ever look at my finisher medals anyway.

So I'm planning out my podcasts and playlists, I registered for the team pasta dinner the Friday before, I've started getting to bed a bit earlier...

I'm in it.
Annie

Off the Road Again

I'm out of the marathon again. I hurt my foot on my last long run - too stubborn to stop when I should have and I didn't think it was that bad and when the hell would I have rescheduled for anyway? But it's been a week now and I still can't run and there just isn't any room between now and Oct. 8 for any setbacks. And who's to say I wouldn't injure myself the same, or worse, if I persisted?

(Not sure what the foot injury is. My ever-lurking plantar fasciitis flared up again but something more has happened on top - at first I thought it was a bad bruise but now I'm wondering if it's not a stress fracture. I'll have to go in and see.)

I should not have attempted marathon training again in the first place. I did not have the base I needed for my long runs, especially not for making the kind of mileage jumps I was attempting and needed to do with my late start and then missing three due to vacation and work commitments. I'd been able to do the first couple of jumps but it had been the equivalent of a new race-day effort each time - without the post-race recovery. And I'd known that, and still wasn't willing to make the changes I needed to make it all happen. Because that would have meant completely reorienting my life to be solely marathon-focused for these three months and I just haven't been willing to do so. Because, you know, I have a life. That I like.

So why didn't I stop before hurting myself? Stupid pride. I don't like to be seen as someone who doesn't follow through on commitments at work. (I'm actually quite happy to pull out of things - with the required amount of agonizing about it first - in nearly any other area of my life.) And while Chicago Lights is technically not the same organization as the church, and being part of the team is not part of my work responsibilities, I work closely enough to Chicago Lights and have enough colleagues on the team with me to feel uncomfortable about quitting. Again.

Of course the question is, why did I start again in the first place? Because I had quit once before, in the spring, before the real training and excitement got started, without any real bruise to my pride.

So here's the backstory. I quit in the spring because I was pregnant. And then miscarried. And that's a whole other story for another time. For now I'm just going to say that once my body recovered from all that - and once we decided we were done trying - once running began to feel natural to me again, the way it used to - and once my body felt like mine again, after more than two years of not quite feeling that way - then yes, it seemed like the most natural and wonderful thing in the world to take up the commitment I'd made last fall along with the hope and promise of what marathons can be.

Only, this time, it wasn't. I'd left it too late in the season, but also, time has moved on since my last marathon (which wasn't that pretty anyway). I'm older of course, but more to the point I have other commitments now, other challenges that move and excite me. I'm not going to say "never again" to the idea of a marathon, not like I did after my last one - but I think a lot would have to shift in my life to make that the main focus again. Which it would have to be (especially since I'm older).

I learned something from those first couple of weeks of training, though. I had forgotten how much running means to me. Not just how much joy it brings me, but how much I need it (or some other intense physical activity) to feel like my best self. I don't like to throw around phrases like "running is my anti-depressant" because I never want to disparage medication for those who need it. But for me, running really is an anti-depressant, and an anti-anxiety treatment as well. And so while I can function perfectly fine, mostly, without that kind of activity, when I am running hard on a regular basis (but not too hard, clearly), I am a much better person. Certainly a happier one.

With that in mind, along with the memory of the fierce satisfaction I had mid-summer and the sense of being right in my body and my head, I know I need to keep running and in particular, racing. I'm looking forward to going back to my favorite distances, 10-milers and 15Ks, where I can push myself hard on an early weekend morning and then go nicely long on a weekend - without wrecking myself in the process. But for now it's about resting and healing, the start of the school year and all the intense activity of fall and early winter that comes with having kids - sports! holidays! recitals! more sports! - and digging in to the other things that move me.

I wish I could say older and wiser but if I were wiser my foot wouldn't hurt,
Annie

16 Miles

Back when I posted about training for the marathon again, I knew that despite my commitment to running it, I wouldn't be able to really get into training until now, less than two months beforehand. Which is ridiculous and all that but sometimes you just have to do ridiculous things for love.

I've now had my first truly long run - 16 miles - and yes, it was ugly. At six miles I emerged from neighborhood shade onto the heat of the lakefront and felt my energy drain away accordingly. Six miles! With ten left to go! Jiminy crickets, what have I gotten myself into?

After a quick mental scan of my calendar I realized I didn't have any other dates I could do this. So ten more miles it was. I took an extended walk break - realized that walking felt fine - and so just continued. At first trading quarter-miles walking and running, then once I got a bit more energized again I ran half miles with quarter-mile walk breaks. And got through them well enough that the last mile I just ran home.

And then spent the rest of the day (after my ice bath) with my feet up, reading. Three days later and my legs still feel a bit heavy, but I also know I haven't been stretching properly (or foam rolling or putting my legs up or doing any other kind of recovery work, shame on me). I need to get back on that part of training too.

But now I know I can do it.

Still a badass (at least to me, sometimes) even though a soccer mom,
Annie

So, About That Marathon

You haven't seen me write much about this year's Chicago Marathon because up until a couple of weeks ago I thought I wasn't going to do it. I had some health issues that made it impossible to train the way I wanted to (or to run at all, for a while), and I wasn't thrilled with the idea of just starting off that day and seeing what I could do, though I was keeping that open as an option. I even told the team leader that I wouldn't be doing it.

And then...

I started to be able to run again. And I started to enjoy it again, consistently, for the first time in months. And I started to think that maybe I would start that day and just see how far I could go.

And then I started thinking seriously about what I thought would happen if I trained to be able to run, oh, say 14 miles, and got out there that day and got to the 14 miles point. Did I really think I would stop?

Honey, please.

So, knowing me, I thought it would probably be safer if I trained to do the whole thing, ugly or not, lots of walking or not, rather than train to run a shorter distance (and then try to do more on the spot).

Last week I ran 10 miles - with lots of walk breaks - and felt good afterwards. This was up from my previous long run of 6 miles, so a considerable jump. I made sure to ice bath afterwards! Plus we went to the pool twice over the next two days, which I know helps my legs. This week I will run 14 - with more walk breaks, more icing and more pool time. I've also been careful to stay on top of stretching and foam rolling for my tight bits.

Then I have a few weeks when I don't have weekends free for long runs, so I will instead do some back-to-back midweek mid-length runs and possibly a couple of two-a-days. By mid-August I should be back on track with the beginner's plan that the team coach gave us.

And I am excited and happy and so glad I can make this happen again. I've missed marathoning! I hadn't realized just how sad it made me feel, thinking I was done with it.

If you're like to help in my fundraising efforts you can do so here. Any donation of $50 or more gets you something homebaked by me. I'll be writing more about Chicago Lights and why I support it in a later post (you can also read here and here).

Here's to chafing and black toenails and crashing hard as soon as the boys are in bed - and the utter absurd joy of running for hours -

Annie

Back In The Saddle

Well, it's been a bit of a rough start to the spring.

I'm usually pretty healthy, but there are a couple of recurring illnesses I am prone to, and I got hit with both this year. I'm still dealing with the last, a cold that settled into a lasting cough. From past experience this can take weeks to get rid of.

Oh, and our basement got flooded when the drains backed up. Tree roots in the sewer lines. Thankfully the lines themselves are still in good shape.

(I think that was actually the tipping point on my cough, all those hours of cleaning up with bleach and Lysol.)

We still haven't pulled the trigger on the last preventative flood measure (exterior sewer pipe access). There's a lot of work to be done on the house and we can't afford to do all of it this year. So we're still deciding what exactly is the most important thing to do first. Outside wiring or extra flood control? Hmm.

Have I mentioned I'm running the Chicago Marathon again this year? For the Chicago Lights team again.

I've decided this will be my last one. It will be marathon #5, that's a good number to go out on. And my third time raising money for Chicago Lights.

Thinking about it as my last one is helping me get excited about the training again.

I'm about a month behind where I wish I was with my running, but it's still early in the season. And I'm finally feeling well enough, despite the cough, to start working on mileage. It helps that it's Spring Break this week and I'm home a few days - that's given me some extra time in the morning for longer runs. And it helps - a lot! - that it's not so dark.

So, a lot on our minds. But! There's a lot to be thankful for, and I have been.

Doing well in Chicago (if a little wet, cold, and coughing) -
Annie

Yes, I Am A Marathoner

Well, I've now run a marathon without sufficient training. This is a new experience for me, and one I don't plan to repeat. But a useful experience, I suspect, especially as I continue to contemplate longer distances.

Here's the overview of the race. My memory does get hazy over the last ten miles. But I ran smoothly for 16 miles, and then started taking extra breaks in order to get more fuel in. Only I found it wasn't so easy to get started again... Still, I was able to keep moving well enough through mile 19, and 20, and 21, I think. I do remember thinking about halfway through mile 18 that, wow, I've just run farther than in any of my training runs, and I'm feeling pretty good.

(A side note: I didn't run with my Garmin and instead just checked my watch from time to time. At the halfway mark I was on course to not only break the 5:00 mark but to smash it.)

I don't know exactly when everything started to hurt and I could no longer run more than a few minutes at a time. As I kept going it became harder and harder and I hurt more and more. The pain wasn't localized, as in my last marathon. It was just everywhere. I wasn't tired, I had energy, it just hurt.

I was frustrated that I couldn't think my way into finding strength, as I know it's possible to do and as I have in the past. In hindsight I see that I hadn't planned for this kind of possibility and so hadn't prepared any strategies.

The last two miles came and I checked in with myself, can I push forward? At this point I still could have finished under 5 hours if I'd been able to run more or less consistently. I wanted to. I so wanted to.

But somewhere near the one mile mark I noticed my leg muscles were beginning to spasm. I decided then not to worry about running and just worry about crossing the finish line. I was walking strong when I was walking --- head up, arms moving --- but I know during that last mile I also started grimacing, it was taking so much from me.

At 800 meters to go I gave up on even trying to run --- I wanted to be able to for the last little stretch in and I needed to save my energy for that.

At 400 meters (when we turn and go up the rise) I looked at my watch and saw it read 5:00 on the nose. All along the course the phrase "run your own race" had been with me, courtesy of The Dude, and at that moment, that day, my race was not going to break five hours. So be it.

At 100 meters (when we make that last turn and the finish line is right ahead) I decided by God I was going to cross it running, and I did, but then stopped as soon as I crossed, my legs spasming, and a volunteer rushed over and put her arm around me and walked with me through the finish chute (I think it's about another quarter mile). She asked if this was my first marathon (no), if it was my first one in this heat (no), and then just walked with me while I got water and put an electrolyte tab in (she had to open the bottle for me), and then picked up the food bag and beer and got my medal and picked up a bag of ice (that was a nice touch, I hadn't seen that before). She asked if I wanted my photo taken - Hell no. By the end of finish chute I assured her I would be okay and she left.

I sat down on the side of the curb at that point (you can't stop while in the finish chute), and drank my beer and looked in my food bag to see if there was anything that looked helpful, and iced one area of my legs and then another until I started feeling a little better. Then I got up and walked, stiffly, slowly, to get my gear bag and then I left the park and started home, stopping by a mini-mart on the way to the train to get some snacks a little more palatable than the ones they were offering and some seltzer .

For all the frustrations I had going into this marathon --- with my training, the last days of taper, some of the details of the day, and definitely with my headspace the day before --- I somehow managed not to be too frustrated by the race itself, at least not in the moment. (Later, sure, but that's no surprise.) In fact, my overwhelming feeling was pride. Pride that I had done it. Pride that I hadn't let these frustrations take away my experience of it. Pride that I'd had a good fueling plan and stuck to it. I had the feeling that I owned this marathon in a way I hadn't my previous ones, that it was mine. I would say this is the first time that I really felt like a marathoner.

So I got my medal engraved and I've bought some commemorative swag. And I don't have anything to prove to myself this season still so I'm taking the time I need to properly recover. I have lots of thoughts and ideas about next year and the year after that but I'm not putting anything down on paper (or here) until I feel completely myself again.

But I am so doing this again.

Still resting,
Annie

So, There's This Race Coming Up...

I've done a lot of thinking thus summer about what I want from this marathon and how it might be different from my previous ones. Both of my official attempts were disappointing in one way or the other, although obviously not enough to keep me from trying again! So I've read my previous marathon reports and looked at my old training logs leading up to them, to see what I struggled with and what I wanted to address. It was interesting to see how my memory of them had shifted over time.

In both cases there was some factor out of my immediate control that impacted me. In 2010, it was the heat. In 2013, it was hitting the wall and then pain in my knee.

But in both I did not have a realistic expectation for my time/pace, and that probably had the biggest negative impact on how I went into the day and in my experience of the event. It took some very focused effort in 2013 to change my thinking halfway through and to start enjoying myself.

I started off this year thinking I had a good chance of meeting my ultimate goal for a marathon (sub-4:25). My first break in training came and went (a week in Ohio at the beginning of July) and with it any realistic hopes of meeting that goal. Just because going on that trip gave me time to think about the big-picture goals for my life --- as trips so often do --- and I realized I didn't want to commit to the training I would need to do this year to reach that time, as I have other goals also taking my attention. I still believe that one day I'll be able to reach it, I just think it will take me more than a summer's worth of training to get there.

I wen through July and August feeling good about my mileage, although not necessarily about my speed. At this point I was doing no speed or tempo workouts, just running 6 days a week with progressively higher mileage. I was also not doing any strength training, in part because of ongoing issues with my shoulder, and in part because of lack of time. I was also barely doing any stretching, again for lack of time. Nearly all my runs were early morning ones and I would come home and immediately have to jump in to getting myself and the kids ready for the day.

Then at the end of August we went to Germany for a week, and when we came back the wheels went completely off the track. I had stayed reasonably active while there, so then came back and jumped right back into my previous training without thinking how I might need to recover from the trip itself. (Trips to see family are many things, but they are never restful.) I had my highest ever mileage week, topped off by my 18 mile long run, then gardened like crazy on my "rest" day, then started right back in... and crashed and burned, unable to run with any energy or for longer than a few miles. I thought I would just need a few days of easy running to recover but it ended up being more like two weeks, and by then it was time to taper.

Once I realized I was in serious shape I decided to act as if I didn't have a marathon coming up. Easy runs at first, more stretching, putting back some easy strength and core training... all the stuff I've not been doing this summer but really needed to have kept up with. And eventually I started feeling more like myself again and thinking I might be able to do this.

But not quickly. And, I think, without any time goal.

Of course I have hopes. I do really want to break 5 hours, since I haven't managed to do it yet and every time I've expected to. Allowing for at least one porta-pottie break (with wait to get in), that would require an average 11:15 pace. And really I'd like to maintain an 11:00 pace. Looking at my long runs, that's not an unrealistic goal. So it's certainly reasonable to hope for that. (Though with the temperatures forecast to be in the mid-70s, that turns an 11:00 pace into... an 11:15 one.)

But weighing against those time goals are three memories. Three good ones, not just the memories of what it's like to run with just a time goal in mind. (It sucks, at least at that distance.)

The first is of the one marathon that was "successful". My birthday challenge from last year. I took lots of walk breaks, going by distance and feel, rather than time. I refueled constantly. And I had no expectations about time. The result? No wall. No pain. I felt amazing during the last six miles. I could have done more. (In retrospect I wish I had, just to have broken that 50K mark for myself.)

The second is from that 2013 marathon, once I gave up on time. I started to really enjoy myself, looking around more and enjoying the sights and sounds of the city turned out to support us. When I hit the wall and had to start walking, I told myself, "Well then, I'm going to walk with pride." I put on some good tunes, gave high fives, smiled at everyone, waved at the kids. Then when I got tired of walking ("Man, it will take me a long time to finish this way!") I just ran when I could, taking in the love and giving it out.

And the last one is a more recent memory. On my last long run I left the house in a downpour, so I didn't have my iPod out for most of the run and it was just me and my thoughts, for hours. Somewhere around mile 15 I thought, "This is a journey." And it was kind of a mind-blowing vision. I know this is a cliche in running circles... and this was definitely fueled by exhaustion... but I had never felt it so clearly before. And I wondered, what would it be like to run the actual marathon with that as my focus.

So, as before, my desire to meet a time goal is warring with my desire to just run this and see what happens (and leave the time goals for shorter distances). My better self knows which one is right for me.

I've counted my carbs and mapped out my fueling. I'm prepared to take as many walk breaks as necessary, especially as it gets hotter. And I'm leaving my Garmin at home and will just wear my kids' Timex. I'll set the timer function so I can have a general idea of the time but otherwise strive to not focus on it. And try to take it all in...

Good travels, friends,
Annie

Changing Lives, One at a Time: Chicago Lights Elam Davies Social Service Center

There's one more program in the Chicago Lights family that I want to talk about here, the Elam Davies Social Service Center.

Chicago Lights Elam Davies Social Service Center (EDSSC) meets basic human needs while working with partner agencies to support persons on their journey toward greater stability and self-sufficiency. Its services include case management, a food pantry, clothing assistance, housing assistance, job-readiness training, street outreach, and support groups. With the exception of the food pantry, there are no geographic boundaries or eligibility requirements. Their goal is to serve all neighbors with dignity and respect.

This program has changed so much in the fifteen years that I've been working for Fourth Church. Back then it primarily addressed the immediate needs of the men and women who came through --- clothing, food, emergency transportation --- and did so out of a couple of dark, cramped rooms of the church basement. They're still in the basement but have now taken over the whole wing, and the space is bright, colorful, and cheerful. And the focus now includes addressing long-term issues of homelessness and poverty, both on an individual basis, and through legal advocacy at the state level. In particular, their case management program works with each guest individually to assist them in addressing their particular needs, from obtaining legal identification to learning how to budget. They also have a street outreach program now, going out to deliver needed basic-care items and to encourage the folks they encounter to come in to the EDSSC for help with housing.

Here's a sampling of what contributions can bring:

• $25 can provide a birth certificate and new ID card for a guest applying for jobs or housing, or a new outfit for a guest interviewing for multiple job opportunities.
• $50 can provide 50 sets of hand warmers to distribute to those on the streets in winter, or 40 winter hats, or 8 weeks of fresh produce.
• $100 can provide 100 pairs of reading glasses, or 4 application fees for single room occupancy apartments, or a month's worth of unlimited public transportation for a guest to find and keep employment.
• $1000 can provide an apartment application fee, first month's rent, and security deposit for a guest in low-income housing.

It's been amazing to see how this program has changed over the years. They truly are changing lives, one at a time.

In five days time I'll be running 26.2 miles in honor and support of the amazing people --- staff, volunteers, students, and guests --- who are involved with Chicago Lights. You can read about the other programs here and here... you can contribute here (and if you do so know that I will bake something for every pledge of $45 or more)... and you can track me by signing up here (under Anne Ellis, bib 30659).

Wish me luck!

Annie

Chicago Lights: CLASS and Free Write Programs

Today I want to tell you about two programs of Chicago Lights that I hold especially dear: CLASS (Chicago Lights Academic Success in Schools) and Free Write Jail Arts. Here are brief descriptions from their website:

Chicago Lights Academic Success in Schools (CLASS) supports learning and creative self-expression through fine arts programs for students in under-resourced schools. Throughout the school year professional artists teach drama and dance classes which uncover talents, build self-esteem and confidence, and increase students' desire to apply themselves in school. Courses are offered during the school day and are integral to students’ learning process. The curriculum is closely linked to state standards and includes detailed assessments.
Chicago Lights Free Write Jail Arts and Literacy at Nancy B. Jefferson School (Free Write) provides the only one-to-one literacy tutoring available to more than 400 youth incarcerated in the Cook County Juvenile Temporary Detention Center. Free Write seeks to reduce recidivism and help students find meaningful pathways to self-expression and further education through daily writing and arts workshops.

Some of you reading this blog may not know that I have an MA in Expressive Therapies with a focus on art. Basically, these are forms of therapy that take the arts --- visual, music, dance, drama, poetry --- as the form of expression, as opposed to traditional psychotherapy. Different therapists and different client groups may rely more or less on speech as well, but all share the conviction that the arts can be used as (or inherently are) healing modalities --- that art can heal.

Although in the end I decided not to work in this field, I fervently believe in the healing power of art. So I was excited when I first came across Chicago Lights and heard about the work of these two programs. Typically, in Chicago an "under-resourced school" also means that it stands in a poor neighborhood - and violence and generational poverty are epidemic in these areas. The youth in the Juvenile Detention Center are also overwhelmingly from these neighborhoods. Living in these places is inherently a traumatic experience, because even if your family is intact, even if you have somehow managed to avoid direct personal contact with any kind of violence, there is no way to avoid witnessing it, to avoid knowing people who have experienced it. And the effects even just of witnessing trauma on the young are well documented. (If you want to learn more about it, I recommend this manual created for people working with children - it's easy to read and thorough.) Art can be a force in addressing this trauma, both directly --- as in the brave writing of the Free Write students --- and indirectly.

And, of course, I think the arts should be a vital part of every students' education. Never mind all the benefits they supposedly confer on kids' abilities to learn other things --- I'm sure that's all true, but I think they are of value to us, just because. (We're sending our kids to a school with an arts focus, so you know I feel seriously about this.) Oh, but these schools, being "under-resourced", are of course lacking in arts programming, as that's usually the first thing to go when resources start getting tight.

So, for all this and more, I am grateful to Chicago Lights for placing the arts front and center in their programming. Their students' lives are richer and more hopeful for doing so.

You can donate to Chicago Lights through my campaign. Right now I'm $375 from my final goal of $1500.00 and amazed and honored by the support people have shown. I have a whole lot of cookies to start baking! (Because of my pledge to bake for anyone donating $45 or more.) And of course most of those will be going to the Sunday Night Supper hosted by Chicago Lights Elam Davies Social Service Center (I'll be writing about them next week) --- most people have wanted their cookies to go to that supper rather than their personal pantries.

With gratitude,
Annie

Changing Lives, One at a Time (Chicago Lights)

Regular readers of my blog are very aware that I’m training to run a marathon. But did you know why? (Other than that I love to run.) Especially since after my last one I swore never to run another road marathon again?

Well, I was offered the opportunity to be on a team to raise funds for Chicago Lights, an organization connected with the church I work for.

If you live in Chicago you’re well aware of the ongoing insanity of our public school system. There are real improvements in individual schools (such as the one my sons go to), but these improvements are typically driven by parents and homeowners in the community surrounding these schools. Overall, the system is a mess, and if you’re a student in an area plagued by poverty, it’s unlikely you’re getting what you need. Chicago is also a very segregated city, with vast disparities in the resources provided across neighborhoods. I imagine it’s not that different in most major cities in the United States.

The Chicago Lights programs work directly with children, youth, and adults from some of Chicago’s most disadvantaged neighborhoods (and in partnership with other agencies and businesses around the city) to address some of the root causes of poverty and create change, one person at a time.

There are six programs in the Chicago Lights family and I’ve gotten to work closely with several of them over the years.

Chicago Lights Tutoring helps students from low-income communities improve their academic performance, stay in school through high school graduation, and prepare for higher education and meaningful careers, through one-to-one tutoring sessions and access to career development opportunities, plus healthy meals and other enrichment programs. They just celebrated their 50-year anniversary!

Then over the summer, Chicago Lights Summer Day provides a safe place to learn and take part in academic and arts classes for 1st-8th graders each summer. This is especially important in our city where so many schools are struggling and where gang violence rises during the summer months.

The Chicago Lights Urban Farm provides job training and youth development, as well as nutrition, science and arts activities for younger children. Families come to learn about nutrition and healthy cooking, and have access to affordable, organic produce. It also provides a true sanctuary in a sometimes violent and dangerous neighborhood. (I worked here in its first years when it was a community garden.)

Part of my job involves overseeing a school supply drive that provides backpacks to the students in the Summer Day and Urban Farm programs, and supplies to the Tutoring program, so I’ve gotten to know their staff over the years and see many of these kids grow. I've gotten to see and hear firsthand from the students and their parents the impact these programs have made in their lives, the opportunities that have opened up to them through the programs' offerings and their hard work.

I’ll write more on the other Chicago Lights programs later this summer. It's an honor to be able to support them, and I hope you will consider supporting them through me as I run this summer.

And, as in past years, to sweeten the deal, for every donation of $45 or more I will bake a batch of cookies, or cupcakes or pie if you live in delivery distance. (Some people have chosen to have their cookies donated to one of the Chicago Lights meals programs instead. Just something to think about.)
 
To support my fundraising for them, go to http://www.active.com/donate/2015BOAChiMarathon/anne_ellis.
And for more information on Chicago Lights, go to http://www.chicagolights.org/.

Gratefully, 

Annie

Not Happening As Planned

Well, I got through most of the first week of the "real" training (using the Hansons Marathon Method) and then went on vacation. I thought my time away would feel like a rest but quite the opposite was true - I came back feeling physically wrecked.

I had also started a couple of serious writing projects right before I left and was able to use the time away to really focus on habit-building around those - and came back not wanting to give those habits up or put them on hold.

So I woke up early on Monday morning facing the first of the Something of Substance runs for the week... and thought, Nope. This is not going to be sustainable.

I went ahead and put in the miles (though I pulled back on the intensity of it all) and that was fine, and then later that day I pulled up another possible training plan from the Runners' World SmartCoach program, which I've used before. And the next day I reviewed the concepts from Run: The Mind-Body Method of Running by Feel by Matt Fitzgerald, a book I highly recommend to all serious runners. And then I just let things float around in my head for a while.

And then on Wednesday I made myself some tea and pulled out a pencil and a calendar and made up my own training plan, one that I think incorporates most of the essentials (and most of the mileage) of the Hansons method while having a greater focus on the kind of running I like best, and will therefore want to do, and being a bit easier on my schedule as well, so I don't need to give up any newly minted writing habits.

And if I don't hit the time goals I had set my eye on with the Hansons method, well, there was never a guarantee of that anyway. I have yet to finish a marathon feeling sure and steady throughout, and that is really where my first focus needs to be. I think I know what I need to do in training to achieve that goal and I think my new plan actually allows more room for focusing on my weaknesses (in-race nutrition, proper carb-loading and tapering, consistent and persistent pacing) while giving me more opportunities to play, to enjoy my running.

Because that, my friends, is what it is all about.

Happy Running,
Annie

Exciting Developments, Part 2

Chicago, Chicago, is my kind of town...

And I'll be running through a lot of it on October 11, 2015.

That's right, baby! Early morning running = more running possible = I am signed up to do the Chicago Marathon (and raise funds for this awesome organization - more about that later).

I hadn't realized how much I was missing long runs and marathon training until it suddenly become possible to do it again. I am over the moon happy.

Time to line up some good podcasts and running tunes. And try out new gels and energy bars.

Happily yours,
Annie

Marathon Madness

Registration for the Chicago Marathon lottery was supposed to have started this week (yes, that's right, not registation for the marathon itself,  just the lottery for it) but has now been delayed a couple of weeks.

I had not been thinking of doing the marathon again this year and then I was sort of approached about being part of a charity team. (I won't go into why this was "sort of", it's convoluted and involves work.) But of course that got me wanting to run it again, and looking into options. Cue a couple of days of crazy obsessive marathon thinking.

I think I now know what I'm going to do, but I will sit on it for a few days (and talk to The Dude) to be sure it feels right.

Those of you who aren't runners, what gets you obsessed?

Yours,
Monkey Mind Annie