Birthday Roundup - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

My treat for myself this birthday was two days off - no work, no kids (well, during the day at least). I should have also put, no expectations, but more on that later.

Things I was looking forward to:

• Going running after I drop the boys off - so then I can come home and take my own sweet time cleaning up and getting dressed.
• Re-shelving my books!
• Reading!

Other things I had planned: Way too long a list.

What actually happened:

My first day off was mucky to start. Rain into snow, with a nasty wind coming off the lake. So no running for me. Instead I finally used the exercise bike I'd assembled 10 days before (a Christmas present from my parents).

I've been needing this for a couple of years. When we moved I lost easy access to the gym (we also cut back on spending). The first year I continued to run in the mornings, even muscling through the winter months, but as I've focused more on my writing I've found it harder and harder to keep a consistent exercise schedule, and I've missed it. Physically for sure, and mentally as much so. So it was a big deal to ask for this (and took me months to actually give them the model info).

Before I got to that point in the day, though, I had to deal with my head.

Birthdays always trip me up emotionally. I don't know why, but they do. And usually well in advance of having them. This year, though, I had been looking forward to it, so I wasn't expecting my first response once I dropped the kids off and was heading home to be a pervasive sense of "I suck and nobody likes me."

Looking back I can see what led to this but what I knew at the time was, no way do I want to sit in this all day, and, screw trying to understand why I feel this way, I just need to take action to stop it.

So I do what I do when I feel isolated and alone. I emailed friends to set up phone dates. I confirmed movie plans. I stayed off of social media.

(I've written elsewhere about my frustration that I can't easily handle impromptu social interaction, so I'm not going into that here, but, no, I could not "just pick up the phone".)

And then I had a lovely day re-shelving my books and finally using the exercise bike and reading. Just like last year. Oh, and going to see Hamilton, which was The Dude's birthday present to me this year. (Oh. My. God. I have all the feels about this musical. Don't get me started.)

Then the next day dawned bright and sunny and I could go for my run and come home and laze about and read and eat chocolate before I even took my shower and it was lovely...

Until I thought, well, it's time to look at that list of Things I Was Going To Do With My Time Off.

Never do that. Not for a birthday vacation. Not ever, really.

My problem was that almost everything on that list was writing related, so in theory I was looking forward to it all... but in reality I have routines set up for my writing and outside of those routines I find it really hard to work on it. And having two days off is WAY outside of my routines.

Plus I just finished a massive chunk of work on it and maybe should have planned to give myself a little bit of a break...?

Long story short, I spent the rest of my day trying to force myself to be productive and failing, and that's never good for my head. And not a good way to end my time off.

Next time, I'm setting my to-dos like this:

RUN.
EAT CHOCOLATE.
READ.
Maybe putter a bit if it makes me feel good.
BUT MOSTLY READ.

Learn from my mistakes so you don't make them,
Annie