May Have Spoke Too Soon

So I went running today. Didn't mean to, wasn't planning on it, and really what I'm doing can hardly be called "running." More like "moving forward at a gait that is not exactly walking since at some point both feet are actually off the ground (barely)"...

I planned to go for a walk after dropping Buddy off, not long, since I had to be in at work early, but it's been so long since I had regular exercise that I was going a little stir-crazy. Put my headphones on, starting walking briskly. After about a half mile I thought, well, maybe I might try running for a block, epsecially since I was cutting things tight timewise as it was. Ran for a block. Walked a block. Ran for another block. Walked a block. Then thought I might try running two blocks and ended up going for three.. and from there I mostly ran the rest of the way back home, with some short walk breaks here and there. And would have loved to do more if I'd had the time...

During that last mile when I was mostly running, the George Michael "Freedom 90" song came up on my playlist and it just felt so dead-on. Because the thing is, even though I'm not especially fast (even when not pregnant), and even though I have to be careful about not running too many miles in a week (since this older body doesn't recover like it used to), nothing gives me the feeling that running does. When I run I feel free and strong and nothing, absolutely nothing, is the same at all. So yes, there are times when I run when it's probably not the wisest or best thing to be doing for myself at that time (like when sick, or have other things I should be doing), and I just don't care. I want to run.

There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be...
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me...

Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again...
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be...

And the Running Is Done (For Now)

It's just too much effort at the moment. Unfortunately walking for longer periods of time hurts my back in a way that running didn't, and for some reason I've felt no urge to go swimming recently. (Probably just the effort of getting and out of a swimsuit. I may look into getting a maternity tankini, one that is actually meant for swimming, as opposed to the one I have from Target from my last pregnancy, which can't have been designed for actual physical activity. Which is why I've been trying to get myself into regular swimsuits, albeit in larger and larger sizes.)

Between work and family this month (and every year at this time, I am so glad August is almost done with) I haven't even been trying to fit in much exercise, but even regular activity is becoming more effortful. So, time to let go of the dream of running throughout my pregnancy, and instead find ways to make walking and swimming more palatable, if not as satisfying. In six months I'll be able to start up again, and hard as it is to believe, those six months will actually move by pretty quickly.

Sniff.

Elvis is Alive 5K 2011

Last Thursday I ran the Elvis is Alive 5K with my friend R. It was so much fun, and a great way to end my racing season (I'm still running, only no more events for the year). The Dude was right, even with this being a non-competitive, untimed event, I still pushed myself --- first, to run the whole thing without stopping, and then, in the last mile, to pick up the pace and keep it there. And of course, at the very end, to go all out. It is a good thing I let him talk me out of the half marathon I'd wanted to do this month.

R was the perfect running partner for this event. I always enjoy running with her, we run very comfortably together (talking the entire time). But in our previous races, I've been pacing her, just because of where we have been in our training at that particular moment. Making sure to keep an even pace, pushing the pace as I felt she could, checking in constantly to make sure she was still handling it, giving encouragement. And not concerning myself with my time or pace. I get great pleasure and satisfaction out of pacing people in races, so for me it's just a different race experience, not a diminished one.

This time she paced me, doing all those same things. And it absolutely made the race for me. I would have finished without her there, I'm sure, but not with the same pleasure of pushing myself and then the satisfaction of knowing I had. I mean, running is kind of uncomfortable these days, even when it's going well. That whole needing to pee the entire time thing, for one. And I know I was more comfortable pushing myself knowing that she would be with me the entire time and looking out for me, making sure I wasn't overdoing it. I know The Dude had been relieved to know she would be with me for this event, since he knew he couldn't talk me out of it (having already talked me out of the aforementioned half).

And then the party afterwards! I should have mentioned that there were folks dressed up as Elvis everywhere, a treat just on its own. They had an Elvis impersonator providing the music, our recovery fare was beer, watermelon, frozen chocolate-dipped bananas and peanut butter banana sandwiches (plus the usual water, pretzels, and Gatorade), and the whole thing took place on a grassy, tree-lined hill, with the moon and sailboats on one side of us, and the city stretching up on the other. I love living in Chicago!

And now I can set racing aside for myself for the year, and completely set my race focus on supporting The Dude as he gets ready for the Chicago Marathon. Plus maybe a little scheming over my race calendar for next year.

Sewing in the Sunshine

Had a very 19th-century moment earlier today. Buddy and I went outside so he could dig in the dirt and I brought my mending with me (patches on his pants)... not only did I get to sit outside in the shade working on my own thing while he played but I actually finished the last two pairs... this has been sitting on my project table since we last had cool weather. I had a sudden moment of realizing, not intellectually, but viscerally, that the reason why 19th-century literature and film portrayals of it so often depict women with their handwork is that the only way it can get done, is to always be doing it. I'm fortunate in that sewing by hand is a choice, not a necessity, for me. Still, it made me feel very cinematic today.

Yes, I Take My Moral Compass From Rock 'n' Roll

Some unexpected inspiration from the Gospel of Freddy Mercury...

and love dares you to care for
the people on the edge of the night
(children of the streets)
and love dares you to change our way of
caring about ourselves...

               --- from "Under Pressure" by Queen

Oh Yeah, Pregnant

I give up. I finally give up. I've been struggling so hard during this pregnancy to maintain the things I'm used to doing, albeit in modified form --- things like making my cards and writing regularly here and watching movies with The Dude on weekends and oh, making plans to do other things --- and I just can't do it. I am so tired. I remember being tired the last time but back then all my time was my time so it didn't matter if I just ended up doing less --- now much of my time is actually toddler time and the little bits that I can make for myself I just want to keep for myself. To have my quiet study time in the morning, and get some kind of workout in before work, to read on the train and then again for a bit before bed. To watch a sitcom or documentary on DVD with The Dude (the thought of an actual movie seems too much right now). Well, and to read as much as possible. Normally winter is my reading season but right now it's really all I want to do.

There are some projects I want to get done before this baby comes --- mostly scrapbooking stuff that I know if I don't do now will end up waiting another 3-4 years (plus I need the space currently taken up by boxes of cards/photos). And of course there's any number of baby preparations that need to be done. I don't know how these things will happen given our schedules in the next few months but I can't worry about that right now. Oh and of course I've now entered into the busy months at work...

This does not inspire hope for the months after Sweet Pea's birth. Sigh.

Some Questions I Have Been Pondering

One of the most influential books I have read this year (or started, rather, I haven't finished it yet) is Mark Labberton's "The Dangerous Act of Loving Your Neighbor: Seeing Others Through the Eyes of Jesus". I've been working my way through it since shortly before Lent as a way of grounding and strengthening my commitment to address child abuse and related injustice, particularly the more brutal aspects of it, since I was finding that it was very easy to want to close my eyes again, and I didn't want to do that.

The book is set up as a series of short essays and reflective questions around the themes of paying attention, seeing, naming, and acting. It's slow going on my part, but it's definitely been illuminating. Here are some of the questions that I've found particularly meaningful.

How does your life's momentum affect your capacity for empathy: entering into the lives and needs of others, especially those who have no tie or evident benefit to you? Notice today or this week the time and energy you devote to engage with the needs of others. What does empathy cost you? (p. 46)

What moments or circumstances expose your distance, fear, rejection, anger, prejudice, or dislike of "they"? Why do these responses seem natural and justified? What experiences or voices in your life have contributed to that? (p. 51)

Do you invest energy daily in avoiding problems or pain? What does this lead you to see in your heart? Who is someone you know who does a good job of stepping towards the needs of others? (p. 53)

Sight is how you see. Vision is how you see and your interpretation of what you see. What factors most significantly affect your vision of people around you? Of people in need? Of global suffering? Of individuals who are victims or violence and oppression? (p. 78)

I expect it will take me the rest of the year to work my way through this book but I am grateful to have found it.