The Story

It was a beautiful day.

Everything to the beginning of the race went smoothly.

Standing in the corral I felt like crying, I was so happy to be there and to be doing it.

I had my goals in mind and a plan for executing them. (I will just point out here that this is a racing mind-set for me. My focus at this point was on time.)

And then we started.

It took a long time to warm up, and there were a lot of bottlenecks. Okay, to be expected, no worries. By the end of mile three I was nearing 11:00 miles, slower than my #3 goal time but still with plenty of time to speed up.

(I also want to mention that while I had slept well the last few days and was feeling good, I did not feel any "zip". No hunger. No nerves. This is not actually how you want to feel if you have ambitious time goals in mind.)

We went through downtown. I found myself bothered by the noise - I didn't remember that from the time before, or being bothered by it. I was fully present to experience it, and I didn't like it. (I also didn't like two slogans that I got to see over and over again - "Worst parade ever" - and - "If this were easy it would be called 'your mom'". Grrr.)

Another drawback to the noise: I couldn't hear the beeps of my watch to alert me to my walk breaks. So I was keeping numbers in my head and checking my watch frequently. First, for the time of my next walk break, and second, to see if I was on pace for that mile. Not much fun, that. It also meant I wasn't really taking my walk breaks as I had planned...

I went through the zoo and up north, then turned into Boystown, renowned for their spectator entertainment. Looking at people, their outfits, the signs on the sidelines, the funny stuff. And so impressed with how many people were running "for" someone or something. I had raised money for Chicago Lights, the nonprofit arm of the church I work for, but I wasn't really running for them. Trying to accelerate to 10:50 miles and not able to do it consistently, mostly because of the crowd. I'd get going faster and then find myself in another bottleneck. Or have to slow down because of all the trash on the street after an aid station. I found myself watching my feet more than the people, or more than I'd wanted to, at least.

After mile 7 I was also watching for toilet facilities without lines. I knew from last time that I wouldn't find that for some time in. I was doing okay - no urgent need to pee - but also knew that I'd be more comfortable if I could use the facilities, and also that I'd then be able to stop thinking about it (since I probably wouldn't need to go again before the end). At mile 8 I thought I saw one and moved over, only to realize that there were lines after all. Well, I was stopped, might as well suck it up and deal with it, right? Then after waiting for a while this guy told us, "The toilets on the other side have no lines." I dashed over, and... bullshit. The lines were worse than before. I was on the street again so decided to just keep going. Mile 9 came and there were toilets again - with lines - and I just decided to hell with it. I stopped, chose a line... and waited. And waited. While the other lines moved. And then I waited some more.

At this point I had my first breakthrough. I was not going to meet my goal #3. There was no way I could make up the time lost over the remaining miles. I had to let go. I didn't want to spend this marathon like my first one, worrying, fretting about how fast I was going and whether I'd meet my goals and completely in my head and in pain and miserable. I decided to stop tracking my pace, to make sure I took every walk break, and to enjoy myself as I went along.

And so I did.

To be honest, I still kept vague track of my pace, along the lines of "what's my 1/2 marathon split?" and "how long did it take me to run miles 15-20?", all in service of the larger questions, "can I finish under 4:50?" (unlikely) and "can I finish under 5 hours?" (hopefully). But I really didn't focus on it the way I had at first. I enjoyed the sunshine. I slapped hands with small children. I smiled. I felt myself slowing down as I entered the last 6 miles and I didn't worry about it.

(Although at this point I did start saying to myself, well, with X miles to go, if I maintain an 11:00 pace, I can finish under 5:00 with time to spare - and also noticed that window of time was shrinking with each mile. At this point I put my music on in the hopes of giving myself a little boost. I didn't mind not hitting my #3 and #2 goals, but I did really want to finish under 5 hours.)

But again, no worries. I enjoyed my music yet turned it off when I passed a cheer zone. The number of spectators was growing again and the energy was high. I looked around at all of us and I was so proud of us all. We had come so far. We were going to finish. We were amazing. The volunteers were amazing. The spectators - and the marching bands and the drill teams and the dancers and the people handing out candy and oranges and pretzels (which I should have taken and didn't) - were all amazing. The city and all that goes into an event like this - was amazing. This wasn't about me, it had nothing to do with me, it was about all of us and what an amazing thing life is and celebrating that life.

Of course I was hurting. That goes without saying. Every time I stopped it was harder to start again and when I did I was slower than before. But then I got moving and it went smoother and I still had moments where I felt good and buoyant, even. And grateful. Oh, so grateful.

And then, at mile 23, I hit The Wall. I started running again after a walk break and found I could not run. And I stopped. And walked.

And had a moment of panic, "I can't run, what do I do?"

And then a good song came on my iPod and I thought, well, now I walk. And walk with pride. And with a smile. And with purpose and energy and love for everyone around me.

And I did. I turned off my watch (wasn't going to make 5 hours now) and waved at the people who were waving and chatted with a pregnant lady I came up to. And then after nearly a mile of this I thought, well, my feet hurt, and this is going to take a really long time if I walk the rest of the way, so I started running again, slowly, stopping when I needed to but always starting up again, watching my shadow to see that my form was still good, if slow, and thinking, maybe I can even run the rest of the way in. Maybe I can even run a little faster that last mile.

And then I entered the last half mile, and the pain struck. Sharp. On the right side of my right knee. Oh! I had to stop. I walked a little, then gingerly started again. Ran another 100 meters and it hit again. Okay. Breathe deep. This is how it's going to be. Go slow. Walk if you have to. And then the hill and the signs: 400 meters... 300 meters... Still running, so slowly, not wanting to stop. 200 meters... 100 meters... and the finish line is right there and I am crossing it running so help me God.

And I did.

And I was never before so grateful for the volunteers at the end. And the sunshine. And the heat blanket and the medal and the volunteer with the tape to hold the heat blanket together. And beer. (Though that didn't sit well so I gave that up.) And then the refreshment box from Mariano's and the ease of gear check and sitting on the ground, on my blanket, in the sun, slowly changing my socks and shoes and getting into warm clothes and eating the food from the box and drinking my very own sports drink I'd brought with me. And reading the text messages The Dude had started sending to me once my pace started slowing. And then walking to the Brown Line and getting a seat and riding home in the sun, talking to my parents who'd been keeping track the whole time via Facebook, which is how The Dude knew I was slowing. And then coming home.

And all so happy and proud of me and of my city and of the day. My epic adventure.

Last Days... Hours... Minutes...

Thursday

Taper has been hard, after all. I've struggled with my eating this past week, and it took me a while to figure out what was going on. Once I did I was able to make changes and I'm feeling better now, though still a little angry with myself. Not such a good head space right now.

Friday

I took the free shuttle to the expo this morning. Super easy, super fast. Once there I had my packet and t-shirt within 10 minutes. Unreal. Of course I then walked around for a while, wanting to find something to buy, some kind of souvenir. Except I don't really have money to spare and I have more than enough running shirts.

Runners' World to the rescue, or rather, Rodale Press, the good publishers of RW. They had a stand full of their books, all on sale, so I picked up their latest, The Runners' World Cookbook (which I'd already been thinking of getting). That, plus a free souvenir magnet, satisfied my expo itch, and I headed to work.

Later in the day...

I'm so excited I can barely stand myself. Ack!

Saturday

Slept well last night! That never happens. And then I got in a nap too! And then watched Hotel Transylvania with the kids and ate popcorn. And am actually prepared for tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be perfect...

I had a twinge in my left ankle yesterday that is worse today, but I've also spent all day walking around the house barefoot. I suspect that once I'm in running shoes I won't notice it at all. At least, that's what I'm telling myself right now...

Sunday

Twinge still there, but ignorable.

Slept right to my alarm, so a little later than hoped for. Still on track though.

And I'm off!

Seven Days and Counting...

I've been burning the candle at both ends, this week, between staying up late for Scary Movie Month and then waking up early to paint. (I'd be waking up early, regardless, thanks to Tash, so I'm just taking advantage of her wake-up call with the painting.)

But this is it, now. This is the last week. If I'm going to do anything more than just finish I need to rest, rest, and rest. And eat well - not a lot, just well.

I've been watching the weather and while it looks like it's going to be warmer than I'd hoped for, it should be cooler than I feared. And not humid, praise the marathon gods. My wave doesn't even start until 8:00 and I'll probably be crossing closer to 8:30, so we'll probably be at full heat by the time I'm halfway through - exactly when the route loses most of its shade. So I'll want to keep that in mind too as I plan things out that day.

It's a busy week for me so I'll go ahead and post my goals now, in case I don't manage to write again beforehand...

1. Enjoy myself and come under 5 hours (I finished at 5:03 last time while making pretty much every first-timer's mistake so this really should be doable).
2. Finish under 4:50.
3. And if the weather holds and all things line up right, finish under 4:40.

Wish me luck, but also wish me good sleep this week!

Looking Ahead and Looking Back

Had an 8-miler today that I turned into a 7-miler. I just didn't feel like fighting the humidity anymore and was feeling low about my slow, slow, slow start. My knees hurt (a sign I need to swap out my shoes) and my legs had no zip. Which is all fine, this is a rest week. But I still needed to somehow get home, with four miles still to go (and no iPod). So I practiced mantras and visualizations. I think I have one but I should get some more in my head.

I feel so much more prepared for the marathon this time around. So much more so that I keep wondering how on earth did I do that first one? And in that time? As I train this year I grow in appreciation for what I accomplished back then.

Letting Go

I had my long run on Sunday. I've gotten my attire, shoes, hydration, nutrition, etc. all pretty much worked out so now it's pacing and the mental stuff I'm still working on.

Sunday was a good test for those.

I started slow... and then kept going slow... and just didn't seem to get any faster... and then needed a pee break much earlier than I usually do... so by the time I was an hour in I was seriously behind where I expected to be by then. But still had way too much in front of me to really think about trying to run much faster.

Normally this wouldn't be much of an issue but we had brunch plans with my parents and I had already left the house later than originally planned. And despite having brought my phone I couldn't get in touch with The Dude to let him know I was running late. So, really, it was excellent practice for the marathon - what do I do when there is a time limit (real or mental) and it's looking bad for meeting it?

I was running without headphones so I had plenty of opportunity to watch my thoughts. And I noticed that when I didn't think about the time, I felt "in the flow". It was a beautiful day, I was running through my great city, with lots of varied scenery and people to admire, I could enjoy myself.

When I thought about the time, things felt effortful. I hurt more. I saw less of what was around me.

Friends, I think the lesson here is clear.

But to be honest, I'm not sure I'm ready to completely let go of time goals for the marathon. I want to be ready. I really do. Especially since I'd like to do ultras and trail marathons in the future, and the only way to do that is to move into this different mindset.

So. What to do now? I'll keep running without headphones. I thought about not running with my Garmin at all, but I like how it keeps track of the run/walk intervals. But I can turn off the lap function so it's not quite as easy to obsess over speed. I've got another long run and signed up to do it with a pace group, but I don't need to stay with them. So I guess I have another chance to practice not caring about my speed.

Because I did not have fun with my first marathon and I would like to this time. And I know what I need to do for that... Now I just need to convince myself that's what I really want to do as well.

Friday Roundup

Last Thursday I ran the Elvis Is Alive 5K for the third year in a row. This year I did it by myself  - my original running partner was unexpectedly deployed and spent last week preparing to leave, and none of my other potential running partners could make it. I had a great run but the party would definitely have been better with company! Next year if I can't find anyone to do it with me I'll just head home after my post-run beer.

Next year I will also find some way to get into the Elvis spirit with my attire, I loved all the things people did. Even if it's just adding in sequins. Or maybe I'll run in my Graceland t-shirt and find some way to jazz it up a bit. I have a note on my calendar to start thinking about it a little earlier.

On Monday I did my first long run using a run/walk method, 18 miles. So much better than my last few long runs, even though it was just as humid and hot as those have been. I felt so fresh for the first miles that I definitely took them faster than I should have, so I have got to rein myself in for the first half. The last 6 miles still hurt but not nearly as much as before, and I was able to stay pretty much on pace (I was also listening to a podcast at that point which always slows me down). Then my last mile was the second-fastest of the day, unbelievable.

For those who are interested, I used a 5:1 run/walk ratio.

I have a couple of shorter long runs in the next weeks and then my 20-miler on September 22. And then that will be it before the marathon (My weekly mileage has ramped up and I'll continue with that but I don't have any good opportunities for really long runs in the next month.) I'll continue with the run/walk strategy for anything over 12 miles and practice not going out so quickly. Everything else seems to be working (vest, bladder, hydration/nutrition) so I don't think I need to make any changes there. I have changed my anticipated time and moved down into a slower start corral. My goal is to have fun, keep a steady pace, and hopefully break 5 hours, since I was so close last time. I have been thinking of this as an adventure rather than a race and I think that will also help me have a better experience than last time.

And then we'll see about doing any more.

I wrote last week about doing a bucket list and I will be putting that up as a separate page shortly. I had gotten excited about putting some running goals on there (which is what I was referring to in my post last week) but as the week went on I realized I didn't want to get so specific about particular numbers or locations of races. Our bodies, while capable of amazing things, are also fragile vessels sometimes, and I never want to value specific physical endeavor over all else. So my revised list is much more general in scope now.

But I'm still posting it! There are some things on there that surprised me when I first started thinking about doing one, dreams I've had for a while without fully acknowledging them, and I don't want to let them go into hiding again.

Any item on your "bucket list" that surprised you?

Happy Friday!

10 Questions

Sweet Ali tagged all her readers with these ten questions...

1. What is your ideal weekend?

With kids, or without kids? The answers would be very different. But I think in either scenario it would have to include time to run, time to read, time to sew/paint, good food, some kind of fun outing, and then snuggling with The Dude with a movie in the evening.

2. When you were in school, what was your favorite subject?

High School - English. College - Art History.

3. Name one teacher who you remember - for something positive - and tell me why you remember them.

Barbara Kellum - Art History. She made me feel that I had worthwhile things to say about art.

4. What was your first race?

2005 Miami Valley Turkey Trot 5-miler. I ran this with The Dude on my first Thanksgiving at his mom's home. It was rainy and cold and he totally carried me through it. I still have the t-shirt (beginning to shred) and love it. We have not been able to do it since though almost every year we make plans to.

5. What is your favorite takeout food?

Thai. Almost anything.

6. What's the earliest you've ever gotten up to go for a run?

No idea... For the past several years I can only go running after I drop off the kids so I get up early to get other stuff done. I'm looking forward to being able to get up early to head out early too.

Oh, I've gotten up early for races... maybe 3:45?

7. What's the latest you've ever headed out for a run?

Can't remember... I used to run at night so I imagine fairly late, maybe 9:00pm or so.

8. What is something you've accomplished that you're proud of?

This is not exactly an accomplishment per se, but I am still proud of myself that I pursued The Dude as fiercely as I did (very forward of me) because the rewards have been so many.

9. Who is your biggest cheerleader/motivator/supporter?

The Dude! Without a doubt.

10. If you could go back in time and change one event from your life, what would you choose, and why?

I have regrets for things I have not done, not for anything I have done. Unfortunately I feel I have a number of those...

Now questions for you!

1. Favorite movie, and why?
2. Any place you would like to visit that you haven't yet?
3. Artwork that has made an impact on your life.
4. Happiest childhood memory.
5. Proudest moment.
6. Perfect weekend?
7. Favorite dessert food.
8. Favorite piece of clothing.
9. Most despised chore.
10. What do you most want to accomplish?