Notes on a Friend-Full Week

This week was both exhausting and a delight. The delights included having lunch with one good friend and then a post-Buddy-bedtime dessert outing with another. (We meant to have wine but the desserts just called louder!) Then in the next couple of weeks I have a coffee date planned, plus another lunch, plus who knows what might pop up. Oh yes, and I had breakfast with another friend last week and we'll probably manage to get together before Thanksgiving as well.

I mention this because it really wasn't that long ago that I was bemoaning my lack of regular friendtime. One close friend moved to New England, one moved to Evanston, and all around it seemed that I didn't have any close friends nearby (insert dramatic sigh here) and I was all alone (really big sigh here). But really what happened was that changes in my life (ahem, Buddy) and changes in my friends' lives meant that the patterns we had got disrupted, and I hadn't yet built any new ones up.

Today I look around and feel rich in friendships again --- some new, some strengthened, some transformed --- and I am very grateful. Grateful, and also aware that this would not have happened without my attention and care and making friend time more of a priority again.

Monday: Ran 8 miles, yoga. Meant these to be "easy" miles but ended up more like a tempo run.

Tuesday: Yoga, swam 27 laps.

Wednesday: Rest day, went into work early.

Thursday: Nine miles at the track, 4 mile-repeats. Last speed workout before the Hot Chocolate 15k on 11/7 and I'm feeling strong. Yoga.

Friday: Yoga, swam 27 laps.

Saturday: Slept in, so no yoga in the morning, than Buddy didn't nap, so no yoga in the afternoon. Decided to see the whole day as an opportunity for spiritual practice --- breathe, baby, breathe.

Sunday: Ran 6 miles in the wrong shoes, not much fun. And then Buddy didn't nap again. Kind of frazzled by weekend's end. I'm taking that as my excuse for all the candy consumed today. Evidently sugar won out over mindfulness. Happens sometimes.

Oh Dear

So, the Chicago Lakefront 50/50 (50k or 50M) is this coming Saturday, and I want to do the 50k sooooo much.

I know I'm not ready for it this year (plus we've got a really heavy schedule this weekend), but I'm seriously thinking about it for next year.

The Dude asked me in my post-marathon moping week why I wanted to run marathons, and why I wanted to run particular ones (Flying Pig, San Francisco, New York, London, Berlin... Boston), and I really couldn't give him a good answer. I just... want to. And certain ones more than others. And while I'd certainly like to improve on my marathon time I feel content right now to leave my racing efforts to shorter distances --- I just want to run these.

But before any of these I want to run that 50k...

(And then someday my S.B.A.*...)

Oh, time to pull out my planner and training books.

*Secret Burning Ambition. Still not ready to talk about this. Thought it had gone away but I guess it hasn't.

New Challenges

Many people this summer, when they found out I was either training for or had run the marathon, had this reaction: "I could never do that."

Really?

I have never doubted that I could run a marathon, even back when I first started running. The question for me was always, "Do I want to run a marathon?" and, more importantly, "Do I want to enough?" Twice now I've started training to do so and realized that no, I didn't want to badly enough. I don't think there's any shame in changing your mind about a goal if in the course of striving for it you learn new things --- about what's needed, about what you're capable of, about what you're willing to do --- that make you reevaluate the worthiness of attempting it at that time.

(Of course there are limits on what any individual body can do, but I think that they are often less than we are willing to believe.)

There are other limits that we place on ourselves though, I believe mostly out of fear. One limit I have put on myself consistently is to say, "Oh, I could never make a business for myself with my art."

Really?
And why is that?

My answers are not all that good.

So, I'm going ahead and putting it out there and saying, I want to develop my artistic voice, and I want to put my work out there, and I want to make a business for myself with my art.

I don't know what that will look like right now. I do believe that it will take time to grow, and that my vision will evolve as I get back in the practice of making art and as I learn more about the business of art and as I get a better sense of where my work fits into that world.

But I do know that I am tired of coming up with reasons "this is why not", and am ready to live into "Why, yes!"

Do I want this enough?

I think I finally do.

Notes on a Recovery Week

I suppose since I didn't go running this was technically a recovery week. Didn't feel that way at the time, what with not sleeping well myself and then a sick Buddy. But since I am now mostly pain-free, and eating better again, and feeling more like myself in my body in general, I will declare myself on the road to recovery.

Which is good, because in three weeks is the Hot Chocolate 15K, and I'd really like to rip it up!

Oh, and can anyone explain why my butt has suddenly gotten bigger? I know I gained a couple of pounds during taper and then my post-marathon indulgences, but seriously, all in my butt? My underwear, it does not fit right (sad face).

Monday: Walking around the neighborhood, yoga.

Tuesday: Swam 21 laps.

Wednesday: Rest day, yoga.

Thursday: At home with a sick Buddy. Yoga during his nap.

Friday: The Dude stayed at home with Buddy today, so I went swimming before work, 24 laps.

Saturday: No planned exercise, except for yoga, and not exactly a rest day, since Buddy was still under the weather and woke up early to boot. But we did get to run around at the park with his aunt and his cousin The Lion Child(he has the most astonishing roar, especially for such a mellow child). So cute!

Sunday: First run since the marathon! 5 miles, with yoga afterwards. I don't quite know how to describe how it felt since it was difficult in a way I haven't experienced before. But it was a beautiful day and I was so happy to be outside, and so grateful that everything seems to be working okay. Then home to make corn muffins for The Dude's chili, then fall asleep in front of Sunday Night Football.

Marathon Report (And Then I'm Done)

So, you've seen from the short report that I was frustrated and disappointed. I've had a few days now to reflect and to talk it over with friends, and I'm grateful to say that my perspective has changed.

(Feel free to skip the processing part and go straight to the highlights.)

All through the summer and my training, I've been treating the marathon as if it were another race, and setting my expectations --- of how I go about it, of my goal time --- accordingly. From that perspective I didn't run it "well": not only was I way off my goal time, but I also didn't run it "smartly," which for me means adjusting my goals to the weather, making sure to keep the entire first half conservative, and then checking in at every point from there on to see how I can push myself faster.

But this was my first time at that distance! I should not have been thinking of it as a race! For no other distance have I taken that approach for my first time out. It wasn't until my third 10k, for example, that I started to think about "racing" that distance, and I would say that I'm still only getting the hang of it. Why was I even thinking about trying to "race" the marathon?

(Because I'm a competitive little freak, that's why.)

So with that in mind...

YAY! I finished my first marathon! And I finished with an average pace that was faster than any of my races before last year, and faster than most of my long runs this summer.

YAY! I didn't overheat! I paid attention to my warning signs and took care of myself: walking at each aid station for water and Gatorade even when I didn't want to, taking my gels even when I didn't want to, and holding myself back once I knew I was at my safety threshold, even though I didn't want to.

YAY! I got to turn it on at the very end, for the kind of finish I like: strong and giving it all out there. With George Michael's "Freedom," my personal running anthem, in my ears, just like I'd envisioned.

So, some highlights of my 2010 Chicago Marathon experience:

• Meeting up with some chatty marathoners on the train on my way down --- our chat kept me from getting too nervous.
• Finding a quiet corner outside of Grant Park to sit down and attach my bib and timing chip, and to take in the beauty of the morning.
• Crossing the bridge in Grant Park and looking at the Chicago skyline, I don't think I'd even seen it from that viewpoint before. Breathtaking.
• Waiting to start and suddenly realizing what an amazing thing it was that I was there at all. I've wanted to run a marathon since I started running, sixteen years ago. I've even started training for one a couple of times before, but it was only at the end of last year that I felt like I could seriously take it on, that I had gotten fit enough and fast enough (and lean and mean enough) to run it with some pleasure, and not just as a one-time bucket-list crazy endurance challenge.
• Being at the start line and praying to myself the e.e. cummings poem "i thank you god" (we pray the first stanza as part of Buddy's goodnight prayers) as a way to center myself, getting to the line "for the leaping greenly spirits of trees / and a blue true dream of sky" and realizing that I was looking up at an amazing blue true dream of sky right then. And feeling connected through that poem to all the parts of my life and to my loved ones.
  
• Running through Lincoln Park Zoo, and the first twelve miles for that matter. Feeling like I could go on forever, that I was flying, but I wasn't worried because it felt effortless. And of course the gay rifle corps in Boystown.
• People watching. I love watching people and listening to their conversations during races.
• Seeing people I knew and having them call out to me. Thanks, Tara! Thanks, Barbara!
• Favorite signs: "Your feet hurt because you're kicking ass," "Beer at end," "Pain is temporary, accomplishment is forever," and my absolute favorite, seen a few times on the course, "Run happy."
• Then, once the heat hit me and we left the shade (for good, grrr), knowing that I was taking care of myself, as frustrating as that was.
• And realizing that I could just make myself keep going, and make myself start again every time I stopped for water/Gatorade/gel/potty/just-because-I-had-to.
• Knowing that I was keeping good form, even though I was tired and upset. And then later seeing the photos to prove it.
• Running through Pilsen! Best crowd of the whole city.
• Passing people. I love passing people.
• Being able to push myself faster again in the last 10k, and then again in the last 2 miles, even though I was taking walk breaks and it wasn't as pretty as I'd been hoping for or as fast as earlier in the course.
• Then making that last turn, pushing up that hill (I love hills) and knowing that the end was so so close and I was going to be able to push myself faster that last 100 meters even if I had nothing left afterwards at all.

And the best thing about the 2010 Chicago Marathon? Knowing that I have now run that far, and can do it again, and that my dreams of running x, y, and z marathons are possible and not me deluding myself.

Oh, and my final time was 5:03:09.

Home Again, Home Again

Full report tomorrow. Right now I'm just glad to be clean, about to be well fed, with "North By Northwest" in the DVD player and a little boy asleep early (though that's due to overexcitement these last two days and a slight fever, so we'll see if he stays that way).

Short report --- frustrated by the weather, disappointed by some foolish mistakes, but ultimately I ran a sensible race (as in, I finished and did not overheat) and am making big plans for the future.

Thanks for all your good wishes!

And Here We Go...

I've been hoping for this day for so long (in the abstract for 15 years, concretely for six months), that at this point I don't even know what to say.

I'm looking forward to just running --- the logistics and crowds are what have me most nervous right now.

I'm incredibly grateful for all the support I've been given.

I'm as ready as I can be.

Let's go!