A Coming Out Story

So... last night I and two other queer colleagues of mine shared our coming out / faith journey stories at the monthly gathering of the women's group at the church I work at, in honor of LGBT History Month. I thought you all might find what I shared interesting.

It's a very particular perspective, narrowly focused on the intersection of my church-going experience (vs. my actual faith, which I don't broadcast widely and especially not in that setting) and my identity as a queer person (and not all of that, either). But I had the opportunity and thought my story could be of use to others, and so far the feedback I've received suggests that it is. So here you go.

Happy Belated Coming Out Day (Oct. 11)! Maybe next year I'll write a less heavily redacted version.

Annie

**************************************************

I first came out in 1988, 30 years ago, when I was 16. I’d known before then that I felt different but I didn’t have words to explain how – it was the 80s and all we heard about was gay men and AIDS. Then I was reading the alumnae journal of a college I was considering attending and the then-president of the college was talking about the “lesbian problem” there, and I knew, quite clearly, that that’s where I wanted to go.* I went to college that fall, promptly came out as a lesbian, and once I’d been there a while longer and knew more words, came out quietly to myself as bisexual.

            But the language still didn’t feel right. Back then that word didn’t seem to include trans people, or people who might now describe themselves as nonbinary, and I knew I was drawn to them as well. So I chafed. Then I came across the word queer – as a word nerd I just loved the word itself, the sound and its history and its connection to Queer Nation – and that word felt big enough, broad enough, queer enough to include me and all I was interested in and attracted to.

On to faith.

I grew up unchurched but seeking (and with a strong Catholic bent thanks to my cultural background) – and then angrily atheist when at first I could not find a faith that made sense to me, and then again when it seemed Christianity had nothing but condemnation for me. For years I was happy to turn my back on organized religion – though not entirely on faith – only to first be turned upside down by multiple experiences I can only describe as mystical, and then the growing conviction that I needed to explore my faith within a community. So I started seeking again, reading, praying, and trying to find a welcoming church home in any of the cities I found myself during my twenties. And I’ll tell you, none were a great fit. In some I felt at home liturgically, but not as a queer person (and unbaptized to boot). In others I felt safe if not exactly welcomed, but my spirit was dissatisfied. Eventually I found a church home where both my partner at that time and I felt welcome and invited to contribute to the life of the church, and if my spiritual needs weren’t entirely met, it was made up for by that congregation’s place in New England transcendentalist history.

And then I moved. And I needed to find a new church home, which was complicated by my growing desire to be baptized – which I didn’t understand, but knew was important to listen to. I started my search again, and again didn’t find any place that felt right. In the end, as I was already working at Fourth Church – another decision that didn’t make sense at the time but felt like the right one – and it was as much a community as any I’d found, I decided to be baptized here and to become a member.

But it wasn’t enough. Quite aside from the serious lack of saints, there’s a world of difference between not feeling unsafe and feeling welcomed. And in 2004, still seven years before the PC(USA) would pass Amendment 10-A, and with the lack of any kind of visible effort to invite LGBTQIA+ folks in, I didn’t feel as if there was room for me to bring my whole self to the life of the church. So I continued my search, and ultimately found a smaller Episcopal church on the Northside, near where I lived, with a rainbow flag prominently displayed, and I have continued to worship there since.

So that is my coming out in faith, and I feel that the two are intimately connected. In part because both my understanding of myself as a queer person and as a person of faith are absolutely foundational to my understanding of myself. But also because I see these two journeys as parallel, not just intertwined. My thinking on faith continues to grow and change, and it’s important to me to have a church home open to that – and my queer identity continues to grow and change as well. For instance, in the last few years it’s become more important to me to claim myself as bisexual and not only queer. This has grown out of changing use of the word – as people insist on its inclusive nature rather than exclusive – and also the knowledge that the bisexual community, while statistically the largest component of the LGBTQIA+ community, has, with the exception of trans and intersex people, the worst health and domestic violence outcomes of that same community. So it’s become a kind of political act for me. And my understanding of gender continues to expand as well.

And with that I want to say something about language. It should be clear from my story that language is important to me. It should also be clear that language around sexual orientation and gender identity continues to evolve, sometimes very rapidly. For example, there are definitions on the vocabulary sheet we provided that I’m not wild about, and that’s only four years old. So while language is important and I think it’s hugely important to keep learning, I would encourage us to let go of expectations of getting it “right”, especially if that means we don’t dare say anything at all. Respect and openness are what’s most important – and then listening to what one is told and respecting that.

I imagine the question is out there – as a bi person in a heterosexual relationship – that is, I could “pass” – why come out? Why put myself out there? And my answer is twofold and also intimately connected to my faith.

First, I come out because I can. I’m secure within my family, my workplace, my church – I don’t risk anything by coming out other than other people’s opinion of me. By doing so, though, I may make it easier for others to do so, and I may also make it easier for others to advocate on our behalf. I live out my faith through service, and through trying to “be the change I wish to see in the world”. Coming out is one way I do this.

Second, if I don’t come out, if I keep some of myself back, then I lose opportunities to be of service, and I am not being who I believe God called me to be. For example, a year ago I was asked to lead a workshop at a women’s event at the Presbytery level. And I was flattered, and interested, but without knowing who would be there, and without being publically out, my gut feeling was “But you don’t know who I am, and I can’t trust that I will feel safe”. And I turned it down. I have faith that I have contributions to make in this world, and I don’t want anything to limit them, especially not my fear.

So that’s why I’m here, tonight, speaking to you all.

*I don't think I ever shared that with my parents before. Hi, Mom and Dad! 

Afterwards

It only just occurred to me that I didn't write any update here about the marathon. Probably because I didn't finish, and was okay with that, and had other things I was thinking about... But here's what I wrote to a friend who asked about it.

I haven't blogged yet, but when I do it won't be a play-by-play of the marathon as in the past - more a meditation on pain and privilege. Stuff I've been thinking about all season, actually.

This is what I wrote donors:

"If you were tracking me you'll know already that I didn't finish. I'd been in pain from the start and at mile 17 it was too much to continue and I dropped out. Nothing serious, just an unfortunate combination of long-term structural imbalances and unresolved past injuries - stuff I'd struggled with all season but just came to a head during the race.

      This experience has strengthened my resolve to "retire" from marathoning, so I'm especially grateful for a super-successful fundraising year - together we all raised over $1700 for Chicago Lights! (Or $100 for each mile I finished.)"

What made this year different (in terms of going on despite pain) is that 1) this year my back was hurting as well, and it was actually worse walking than running, and 2) I really didn't have anything to prove to myself or anyone else. Last year, once I realized I could continue, I wanted to keep going as long as I could. This year I realized the only way I could possibly continue was an extended break at the aid station, with no guarantee that I wouldn't have to stop again. And I decided that the pain was worse than my pride.

I'm putting a hold on marathoning, though oddly enough, the first half, despite being painful, went well. I kept an even pace and felt stronger than I had all year. But that made me realize how much I've missed that kind of racing (at distances of 15k - 13.1m), and how in the future, if I were to do a marathon again, I'd want to know I could run it that way - strong, steady, and able to push harder as I went along. But for that kind of running I would need to train for at least a couple of years - purposefully, eyes on the prize kind of training - and not until after I've gotten my shoulder and back taken care of. And honestly I don't want to train that hard, I have too much else I need to focus on.

So that's the marathon.

Some of what I plan to focus on - what I already am focusing on - is writing, and increasing my activism around anti-racism and trans rights. NaNoWriMo begins next week... *rubs hands*.

Still running though, I've been loving my short early morning runs in the dark, watching the sun begin to rise (it's still dark when I get back!) and seeing who else is up that early. A lot more people than you'd think.

Contentedly,
Annie

A Few Last Thoughts

Welp, the marathon is in less than a week. I'm as ready as I can be... which is to say I'm really not well trained for this one, but I'm in a better place for it than I was last year and I managed to finish then. So not feeling excited but also not feeling nervous... mostly curious. What will it be like? Each one has been so different.

You'll see plenty of articles talking about setting your A goal, B goal, and C goal for any race. Usually it has to do with time/pace but aside from a vague desire to finish under 6 hours that seems ridiculous for me this year. Here are mine:

A goal - Finish under 6 hours.
B goal - Stay present, be in the moment as much as possible.
C goal - Finish.

And now that I've written them down I see that my middle goal is really my first. At some point in doing these I realized that I can do them, I am physically capable of covering the distance. More than once, as a matter of fact. And so I think the reason I keep doing them (since goodness knows I'm not doing them faster each time) is for the experience of it. In which case my main goal needs to be truly experiencing it, to the best of my ability. All of it, including whatever might come up for me emotionally or mentally.

I think I need to take some time this week to meditate on this and set some intentions. :)

So, revised goals:

A goal - Be present and in the moment, with my thoughts/feelings and my surroundings.
B goal - Finish under 6 hours.
C goal - Finish.

Choosing my music will be a part of setting my intentions. I'm going to stay with what I've been running to all summer, these songs and rhythms have felt intensely personal in a way I'm not going to talk about here, but here's what I've been listening to:

Macklemore - "Genesis"
Michael Blume - EPs "When I Get It Right" and "cynicism & sincerity"
Bomba Estéreo - "Amanecer (Remixed)"
Nakhane Touré - "Brave Confusion"
Fania Studio - "Calentura: Global Bassment"

Plus a whole mess of singles I've found through Spotify over the last couples of months, a lot of club/dance/trance/trap and a lot of it fantastically queer, in all senses of the word.

And then, if I hit a point where I need to not be present for a while, I have episodes of The Adventure Zone lined up. (I don't know how to describe this, it's a live-action Dungeons & Dragons game, yes, but good grief it's so much more. And terribly, horribly funny. I can't actually listen to this while running - I keep stopping and laughing - this is for those times when I can't do anything but walk for a while.)

See you on the other side -
Annie

I'm Running A Marathon When?

Oh yeah, in less than a month.

Maybe time for some updates. Even some introduction for those who haven't followed my running before.

First of all, I'm running it because I like training for and running marathons. There isn't anything noteworthy or inspiring about this, this is just what I like to do. Some people travel, some people play video games, some people take intensive classes in their area of interest. I run long.

Second, I'm raising money for Chicago Lights as part of the process because it's an organization I hold highly, all the more so because I get to work so closely with staff. (Not closely in terms of my work but rather physically - my cubicle is surrounded by Chicago Lights staff and I get to hear all kinds of cool stuff that goes on behind the scenes and most people will never even know was a part of the process. But trust me, these programs are in good hands.)

(And if you'd like to contribute to my fundraising campaign - every bit helps! - you can do so here.)

As far as my actual training goes this summer it's been... okay. Better than last year for sure, I've been able to hit all my recent long runs. They've been hard, much harder than in the past, and I'm pretty sure that's because I haven't been getting my midweek mid-length runs in until recently. (All due to scheduling issues - especially the challenge of scheduling morning runs when both The Dude and I are training for this and have similar mileage ramp-ups.) And I had a couple of old injury flare-ups earlier in the summer where I had to back off  of training for a while - luckily that seemed to take care of those.

I think this will be my last road marathon for a while. (I know, I know, I've said that before.) I'm looking forward to more trail running, and also to regaining some speed by training for shorter races. This will be my fifth Chicago Marathon (plus my "rogue" marathon as The Dude likes to call it), and that seems like a good number to pause on.

But first... there's a twenty-miler coming up this weekend and then the insanity of taper. And then...!

Always take the ice bath,
Annie

Little More Action

Midday through summer, and marathon training is going well. I've had to shift my schedule around plenty between travel, work, and family, but I've hit all my long runs and all my speed workouts, so I'm feeling pretty solid. Guess it's time to start fundraising.

Writing is feeling more solid these days too. I signed up again for Camp NaNoWriMo, this time setting my goal in minutes rather than words, since I needed to revise and research and brainstorm above all else. That's been pretty consistent too, and I'm getting interested and excited again vs. just confused and overwhelmed.

My summer is heavily fueled by music, as always. Some familiar albums giving new energy -  Macklemore & Ryan's "The Heist", and Grimes' "Art Angels". Then albums new to me - "Calentura: Global Bassment" (remixes of classic Fania releases), and Bomba Estéreo's "Amamecer: Remixed". Fantastic electro grooves, perfect for digging into words or steps.

And very grateful for Spotify for introducing me to new stuff I would not have heard otherwise:

Mona Haydar's "Barbarian"

Madame Gandhi's "Top Knot Turn Up"

Lulu Be's "Rude Tings"

FAKA's "Uyang'khumbula"

Hope your summer is treating you well!
Annie

Where I Am

Well, I had been going to leave an update about my marathon training and about my writing since it's been a while since I posted on either... but then news about the detention centers broke and now SCOTUS and I'm just angry and grieving and have been angry and grieving. And am gearing up to go to small-town Ohio for our annual summer visit next week and having emotions about that.

So.

I don't write about politics here*, but I don't think it's news to anyone reading this that I am pro-immigration (actually pro-open borders but that's a conversation that's nowhere near happening in this or many countries), pro-choice, support Black Lives Matters, support trans rights, queer AF, and, oh yes, have a keen interest in science...

...while also a believer and seeker who worships and works in not one but two religious communities, even though my adherence to organized religion is often strained and my individual beliefs far from creedal.

Just so there's no question where I stand. ;)
Annie

And to leave you with something inspiring, 'cause I got nothing, not today...

Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful, be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week, a month, or a year, it is the struggle of a lifetime. Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble. - Rep. John Lewis

*I write devotions for work and find I am unable to keep my politics out of my Bible reading and thus reflection... but since we're not supposed to get political in those I find ways to veil it. Today's felt especially pertinent (and we write these weeks, if not months ahead of time), but I was apparently feeling more hopeful then than I am today.

Yup, Doing It Again

Marathoning, that is.

This time with The Dude (first time ever).

He's under the impression we're going to run it together... mhmm, we'll see.

But it's fun to plan together and share the process.

I am over the moon happy about training again. No really, the feels are too big for me to get down right now, I just... sigh. Happy happy.

(I'll try to get more coherent about it as we go through the summer, I can't just wave my hands around and squeak every time I talk about it.)

We'll be running it for Chicago Lights - me again, him for the first time. I'll get our fundraising info up soon.

And now to map out this week's long run!

Gleefully,
Annie

Paranormal Romance!

Ana Coqui from Immersed In Books has put together a 30-day list of romance novel recommendations, a different theme for each day. Friday's theme was paranormal, easily my favorite kind.

But I didn't see my favorites in that post or most of the Twitter comments that followed, and I didn't recognize most of the authors listed, so I thought I'd put together my own listing. Originally I was going to do it via Twitter but when I saw the number I'd accumulated... well, a blog post seemed more readable.

Some words about the books on this list:

• Most of these are m/m, with a few f/f, a few f/m, and some ménage.
• I'm always on the lookout for more writers of color and also for writers not from the US/Britain/Canada - I've marked these (WOC/INT) and welcome recommendations!
• There are some short stories/novellas on this list and I've noted those as well.
• There's some overlap with my list of ghost stories but not a lot. Most of those weren't romances.

There's disagreement about what constitutes paranormal vs. fantasy vs. science fiction, etc. As I think about it, a book is paranormal if people/beings are, or practice, magic (or abilities are so augmented as to appear magical to most people), and the world either feels like this one or outright references this one, whether in current times or historical ones (even if alt-historical). There are a couple of exceptions to this on the list and I've noted those too.

Finally, and this is so hugely subjective (as if this whole list weren't), but when it comes to shifter stories (persons who can shift from one form to another, ie. werewolves), I just don't seem to be able go much beyond coyote/wolf or dragon shifting. I don't know why. I know there's a universe of shifter stories out there beyond that but I haven't read many and don't feel compelled to. But with so much out there to read I'm not going to worry about this. (There's one exception on this list and I have noted that too!)

On to the books! Alpha by author. And, as usual with my lists, I'm not trying to review the books here. If it's on the list, I thought it was at least good enough to share. If you want more of my take on individual ones, I review almost everything I read on Goodreads (I'm not 100% caught up though.)

Charmed and Dangerous: Ten Tales of Gay Paranormal Romance and Urban Fantasy
A couple of my favorite authors (KJ Charles, Jordan L. Hawk, Jordan Castillo Price) and then an introduction to some new faves (Ginn Hale, Astrid Amara, Nicole Kimberling).

Irregulars: Stories by Nicole Kimberling, Josh Lanyon, Astrid Amara, Ginn Hale
Recognize those new faves I mentioned?

Hell Cop 1 & 2
More stories by Astrid Amara, Nicole Kimberling, and Ginn Hale. These don't seem to be available any more, I don't know why.

The Druid Stone by Heidi Belleau & Violetta Vane

Light by 'Nathan Burgoine
He also has a paranormal trilogy that I've started and like a great deal so far, but I hesitate to call it a romance. As far as I've read, anyway.

Gail Carriger's Parasol Protectorate series, particularly the novellas at the end. The whole series is romantic in nature but the novellas are straight out romances.

Caroline's Heart by Austin Chant (novella)

K.J. Charles. Well. Obviously the Charm of Magpies series, but I think I like the Green Men series even more so far (counting The Secret Casebook of Simon Feximal as a precursor to that series). Probably mostly because of the time period it's set in, but also the nature of the magic being explored and also the hints at conspiracy.

Elliot Cooper (stories)
     Clockwork Menagerie
     Hearts Alight
     Junk Mage (this is a mix of magic and sci-fi)

Sweet by Alysia Constantine

R. Cooper's Being(s) In Love series (mix of novellas, stories, and novels) and Familiar Spirits series (novellas). Have I already raved enough about her books in other posts? I'm not sure I can. I think you can read the first three of the Being(s) In Love books in any order and then they start building on each other - you don't have to read them in order after that but I'd suggest it. The Familiar Spirits novellas don't have to be read in order. Yet. I'm hoping for more in this line.

Beary Christmas, Baby by Sasha Devlin (WOC) (novella)
Polar bear shifter! And such a cutie. I definitely want more in this world.

Blind Man's Wolf by Amelia Faulkner. First in the Tooth & Claw series.

Kim Fielding's Bureau of Trans-Species Affairs series (novellas)

The Long Past and Other Stories by Ginn Hale. Magic and steampunk and dinosaurs. And you can hear her talk about the research that went into this book at The Hopeless Romantic (this is also a hilarious episode).

Alexis Hall's Kate Kane, Paranormal Investigator series. Not available at the moment, but hopefully sometime again in the future. I originally checked the first one out from the library, so that's a possibility.

Jordan L. Hawk's Whybourne & Griffin series and Hexworld series. And they have more too (in particular a ghost series I very much want to read), but I haven't gotten to those yet.

Something to Remember by Elliott Junkyard (story). And there's a prequel to this, available free via his webpage, I believe.

The Lightning-Struck Heart by TJ Klune
Okay, this is straight-out fantasy. I include it here though because he has a number of paranormal books I just haven't gotten to yet, including a werewolf one that I know is going to rip up my heart. (Which is why I haven't read it yet... but I will.) I also include this one because it is flat out one of the funniest books I've read in a long time - crying, I was laughing so hard.

Half by Eli Lang

Shelly Laurentson's Call of Crows series. She has several other series as well, and I've looked at them, but... not for me. But I loved this one.

Out Of Her Depth by Pike Martell (story)

Lime Gelatin and Other Monsters by Angel Martinez (WOC) First in the Offbeat Crimes series.

Snare by Erin McRae & Racheline Maltese (novella)

Robin Moray's Bonded to the Alpha series (werewolves) and Something Wicked (witches). I think it's the same world in both so I'm looking forward to some resonance between them if not crossover. I came to this author from her BDSM novella series and was thrilled to see she writes paranormal as well.

The Better to Kiss You With by Michelle Osgood. First in the series.

E.E. Ottoman (novellas)
     Business Makes Strange Bedfellows
     Selume Proferre

Jordan Castillo Price's PsyCop series. She has more paranormal books and series as well, and I intend to read those too, but I'm still on this one so far.

Seducing Chaos by Luna Quinn (WOC)
This is the first in a planned series and I'm hoping the authors continue! I read the world as a future magical apocalyptical Earth, rather than a fantasy one, but I could be wrong about that.

Darkling by Brooklyn Ray

Water & Air by Janelle Reston (story)

Shatterproof by Xen Sanders (WOC) (also writes as Cole McCade)
I want to gush all over this but I haven't yet read the new edition (which has notable changes). Just. Go read this, and then go check out everything else he's written (but pay attention to his excellent content warnings).

RoAnne Sylver
     Stake Sauce
     Moon-Bright Tides (novella)

Holley Trent (WOC). So many books. So far I'm halfway through the HearthMotel, Afótama Legacy, and Norseton Wolves series (these all interweave). Trying to hold off on any of her other series until I've finished these three but I make no promises.

Better Off Red by Rebekah Weatherspoon (WOC). First in a series.

Close Quarter & Slow Waltz (this is a follow-up story to Close Quarter) by Anna Zabo

And then there are a few books that aren't romances as such but have such strong romantic elements (oh, the pining!) that I had to include them.

The Glamour Thieves by Don Allmon
Slouch Witch by Helen Harper
Amir Lane's Morrighan House Witches series

And, just because, Fruits Basket by Natsuki Takaya (INT). You know, if you like your slow-burn paranormal romance stretched out over 12 volumes.

And that is quite enough of that. Though I'll probably have another list equally long by this time next year.

Happy reading,
Annie

More Music to Enliven My Morning

One of the things I LOVE about running in the mornings again is listening to music in the mornings while I run. Here are some new (and one old) favorites of mine. 

Miguel, "Pineapple Skies" (from War & Leisure)

Mon Laferte (featuring Juanes), "Amárreme" (from La Trenza)

Macy Gray, "Sweet Baby" (from Stripped, her jazz album)

Janelle Monáe, "Make Me Feel" (from Dirty Computer)

Happy listening!

Annie

Surely I Never Said That

It's early (very early) days yet, but The Dude and I are thinking about marathon training together, for 2019. We'd do it with the Chicago Lights Marathon Team, the same fundraising team I've run with for my last two marathons.

I'm so excited. *big grin on my face, happy dance in my chair*

When The Dude told me he was thinking about it, I shot out of my seat.

"Let's do it together!"

Side-eye from him: "Didn't you say you were done with marathons?"

What?????
Me, say something like that???

(Okay, maybe I did...)

Ridiculously yours,
Annie

Ghost Stories

I've been thinking about ghost stories lately. Or rather, I was thinking about what are the kinds of books and stories I like to read (I was pulling together a list of recommendations for a friend), and as I did so I realized that I've read a lot of ghost stories.

And then I realized that a lot of my story/book ideas involve spirits of some sort. Or different ways of being haunted. Or communication with the dead. Or... ghosts, I guess. I had just never thought about it that way before. Huh.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some of my recent favorite ghost stories with you. These are in alpha order, short stories first, then books. With an essay in between!

Presque Vu - Nino Cipri, Liminal Stories
Old Habits - Nalo Hopkinson, Uncanny Magazine
Postcards from Natalie - Carrie Laban, The Dark Magazine
If A Bird Can Be A Ghost - Allison Mills, Apex Magazine
Twilight Travels with the Grape-Paper Man - Sara Saab, The Dark Magazine

How To Talk To Ghosts - R.F. Kuang, Uncanny Magazine (the essay)

I didn't offer any commentary on these because I find short stories are kind of like poetry for me in how I respond - there's either something I respond to immediately or there isn't. I thought all of these were lovely, all made me think, all of them pinged my heart.

On to the books!

Here I'm not going to comment (much) because these books give me SO MUCH FEELING and GOOD THINKING I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I'll just point out the level of romance / sexual explicitness so you know to avoid (or pick up).

KJ Charles, The Secret Casebook of Simon Feximal
          Ah, I'm not sure how explicit this is? I don't remember. There is on-page sex, and there is a relationship between the main characters, but the book is not a romance, it's interconnected ghost stories. That will break your heart.

Alysia Constantine, Sweet
          Both a romance and explicit. (Warmish, not hot. Well, I suppose that depends on what you're used to.) And heart-breaking.

Stacia Kane's Downside Ghosts (Books 1-3)
          Again, I don't remember how explicit this is. The relationship develops over the course of the books but it wasn't the main focus of them, the mysteries were. For a long time I didn't realize there were more than the three books - the story line at the end of book 3 felt complete. I did later pick up book 4 but it didn't seem to be adding anything new to either the world or the characters so I stopped. But the first three were great.

Cassandra Khaw, Hammers On Bone
          Monsters meets film noir. Marvelous. Oh the language.

Amir Lane's Morrighan House Witches series
          There is also a prequel novella, Rise. Relationships, yes, sex, a little, not not not romantic. In a review I described the first book I read of these as a hot mess - but a compelling, winds around your mind and heart and throat kind of mess. I started these as e-books but then bought them in print so, mess or not, they clearly speak to me in some way.

And last but so very much not least, Jordan Castillo Price's Psycop series. Yes, a romance (and definitely sexually explicit), and also murder mysteries, and, as the series continues, possible conspiracy as well. Great characters who change and grow over the books.

Overall, a treasure of stories too good to save for Halloween.

And please pass on your recommendations!

Annie

It Must Be Spring, I'm Setting Goals

Even if it is currently snowing AGAIN.

I've gotten twitchy about setting goals publicly over the last year, especially ones to do with running, but things have been going well the last couple of weeks (slow, slow, but still improving) and I've begun to set my sights forward.

So I think I'm going to shoot for the Hot Chocolate 15K in November.

I've run this before and enjoyed the race. It's a good distance, at a good time in the year. No time goals this time around, I just want to be able to work up to that distance again and have a race on the calendar.

And in non-running goals, I've signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo this month. You may remember that National Novel Writing Month (November) is a world-wide writing challenge of 50,000 words for the month. Camp NaNoWriMo happens twice a year, in April and July, and you set your our challenge for the month, be it time spent or words or pages or even specific projects.

I've set my goal as 15,000 words for the month. I've done a lot of research and revising and transcribing over the last four months but very little new material in that time, and it's been hard to get started again. Excruciatingly hard. Then Camp NaNo came up in a couple of different Facebook groups I'm in - I hadn't even been aware of it prior to last week - and I thought this might be the challenge I need to get back into a regular writing (vs. revising/research) habit. So far it seems to be working. (Cross fingers.)

Hmm... perhaps I need to set some kind of challenge for myself for the garden?

Not happy about today's snow,
Annie

Music To Enliven My Monday

After watching NBC's "Jesus Christ Superstar" last night and having the music in my head every time I woke up, I needed to drive it out. (But Brandon Victor Dixon as Judas was amazing!)

FYI, none of these are videos, just the music.

Started with a little Jesse y Joy for the car ("Ay Doctor!")

Then, since I have the day off (one benefit of working for a church), I ran home after dropping the boys off at school and these came up on my iPod:

Stevie Wonder's "Signed Sealed Delivered" - this may be one of my favorite songs ever:

Neneh Cherry and The Thing's "Dream Baby Dream":

I used to have a playlist that I called "trance", just for long distance running, when I wanted to lose myself in something long and rhythmic. Then I realized I loved all those songs too much to just listen to them on long runs, and I mixed them into my usual running playlist. I got to see Neneh Cherry at Pitchfork a couple of years ago and it was one of my favorite performances ever. She didn't do this one, though, she wasn't performing with The Thing on that tour. This is another song that builds and builds and builds and then... just fades.

Then I finished out my run with "Despacito", but I won't share the clip for that, since I'm aware that some people have gotten tired of it by now (not me!) and there's no need to make it anyone's ear worm.

And then I wanted to share a new band for me, Bang Data. Apparently they did music for the TV show "Breaking Bad", but I'm always a few years (or more!) behind with TV. This is "El Pacino":

Now, since I'm home by myself, I can play Juan Gabriel and Lila Downs all day without anyone complaining.

With a song in my heart,
Annie

Some Good Short Things

Thought it might be time for some positive things, all short...

I've been running in the mornings again! Very short, and I have NO endurance, but even to want to get up early and run is a big deal. And oh, I love watching the sky at this time - when it's clear it's the most beautiful deep iris that slowly lightens - when it's cloudy might be even better, I love watching the clouds move across the sky, lighter streaks of blue across the dark that then catch the sun as it rises.

I've been reading some amazing short stories this winter - I'll do a list at some point with links and all - both speculative and romance. It's been hugely inspiring and has made my fingers itch - I have some ideas I want to explore that don't fit in any of the novels currently living in my head (plus right now I'm back in research mode but not writing is making me cranky).

One short grumble: After going several months of wondering why I wasn't falling asleep as well as I was used to I lined up dates and realized this had started at the same time as I started reading ebooks. Silly me, I've been careful with the kids about no screen time right before bed, and I don't get on the computer at night, but I didn't think about my tablet being a screen. So this week I've been trying out only reading print before bed and I've been sleeping better. Only problem - when the hell am I am supposed to get to those books that demand reading straight through?

Then a quick skim of the music in my head this morning:

Allen Toussaint - Brickyard Blues

Bomba Estéreo - Soy Yo

I missed Bomba Estéreo at Ruido Fest last year, but am planning to go this year - the lineup was just announced, with Panteón Rococó, Ana Tijoux, Kinky, Combo Chimbita just a few of the acts I want to see - so I am clearing my calendar for that weekend and putting together my pennies.

What's giving you life this week?

Annie

It's Been A Tough Week

I'm so glad to get to the end of this week.

Quick reminder: I did NaNo last year all by hand, and have spent the last three months transcribing those pages, researching, and editing - but I've had no new material (on that book at least). So I was excited to jump back in over my birthday mini-vacation... but no. And then not in the days after. I couldn't even get myself to try. Convinced I had nothing to offer and nothing I've written is in the direction I want to take it in anymore...

So this week I made myself start again. Just write something. Anything. For fifteen minutes at a time, that's all. I could do that, right?

Oh. my. God. So painful. It reminded me that writing truly is a muscle, one that has atrophied over the last three months, just as my running endurance has. But I made myself go on, moving pen over page. Dry, dull, though at least I ended each session knowing what was coming next... a series of sticky notes the breadcrumbs to get me started the next day. But nothing interesting or useful for a few days.

And then? Maybe a little glimmer of something interesting? Maybe only a marsh-light but still more than I had? I'll keep following it and see where I end up. But oh so daunting after having felt so sure of this in the fall.

And I need to read more of what I aspire to in my writing. Lately it's been a lot of escapist stuff (end of winter, y'all). I'm okay with that but it's not where my own writing lies.

My movement towards writing was interrupted a few days by a doozy of a migraine. Typically I get auras, maybe some pain - that's not too bad as I get older and especially not if I take something right at the start of the aura, and then a period of impaired thinking for a while after. Nothing horrible, I just can't focus well or think as easily or quickly as I'm used to. If it's a really bad one I might have some numbness around my mouth, but that hasn't happened in a while. Air pressure and hormones are the usual triggers for me, sometimes light. But seriously, my migraines are not usually a big disrupter in my life.

But Monday. Woah. Almost as soon as I woke up the aura was on me and I could tell it was going to be serious. I didn't realize it would be so trippy. Memories, memories of dreams, memories within dreams, random sense impressions all colliding together, even as I was getting myself and the kids dressed and moving towards school. As if my brain was bifurcated and all that was happening on a second level. I could focus on what needed doing immediately, but only that - no planning, thinking ahead, decision making. The kids were asking questions (and both talking at once, as usual) and I had to let them know I wasn't going to be able to explain anything to them or answer anything not relating to right in front of me, right now. Got them to school (did not drive, we took the train), and then came home to cancel phone meetings and let my boss know I would not be coming in, then spent the rest of the day on the couch reading - if I was going to be in an alternate head space I wanted it to at least be a cohesive world something one created, rather than the fragments of mine I was experiencing and didn't know if I could trust.

Things mostly cleared by mid-afternoon but I was wiped out by then and still not certain of my thinking. I went into work the next day but only lasted a couple of hours before another aura started and I headed back home, though it was nothing near as painful or strange as the day before. And the rest of the week has been trying to recover from all that, going to bed earlier, drinking more water, trying to eat well. I'm still feeling a little fragile though not horribly so.

I don't know what triggered this - it's been maybe twenty years since I've had a migraine this bad. But I'm not counting out the news that exploded in the queer romance world.

It's been awful. I suspect the majority of readers of this blog know nothing about this and I'm not going to try to explain. The rest of you either know all about it or are Russian bots, based on my stats. But it's just been... ugh. Vile behavior from an author exposed, which then led to the exposure of awful behavior from an editor and a publisher - all of whom had power in this corner of the writing world, the corner I consider home.

I have no skin in this - I'm just a little fangirl over on the sidelines who dreamed of maybe someday submitting something to that publisher because they were the first queer romance press I encountered back when I was all *starry eyed* THIS EXISTS?! Since then I'd heard enough murmurs about that publisher and encountered enough other presses to be over my hero-worship but it still feels rotten to see what's been exposed (and what's been unleashed afterwards as people find out and react all over the place). All the more so because an author I truly admire and had some exchanges with was at the center of exposing things, and my heart hurts for him and everyone else who has been hurt by Riptide and Sarah Lyons and the people going by the name Santino Hassell.

Some good is coming from this, thankfully, I've seen more lifting up of authors of color in the past week than before and there have been some amazing outpourings of generosity and effort across Romancelandia to the authors affected by all this, but... ugh. Shit shouldn't have had to happen for growth to occur.

But hey! Aren't our teenagers amazing! (Speaking of something else that shouldn't have had to happen...)

Sad and tired and wanting to put my arms around the world,
Annie

Birthday Roundup - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

My treat for myself this birthday was two days off - no work, no kids (well, during the day at least). I should have also put, no expectations, but more on that later.

Things I was looking forward to:

• Going running after I drop the boys off - so then I can come home and take my own sweet time cleaning up and getting dressed.
• Re-shelving my books!
• Reading!

Other things I had planned: Way too long a list.

What actually happened:

My first day off was mucky to start. Rain into snow, with a nasty wind coming off the lake. So no running for me. Instead I finally used the exercise bike I'd assembled 10 days before (a Christmas present from my parents).

I've been needing this for a couple of years. When we moved I lost easy access to the gym (we also cut back on spending). The first year I continued to run in the mornings, even muscling through the winter months, but as I've focused more on my writing I've found it harder and harder to keep a consistent exercise schedule, and I've missed it. Physically for sure, and mentally as much so. So it was a big deal to ask for this (and took me months to actually give them the model info).

Before I got to that point in the day, though, I had to deal with my head.

Birthdays always trip me up emotionally. I don't know why, but they do. And usually well in advance of having them. This year, though, I had been looking forward to it, so I wasn't expecting my first response once I dropped the kids off and was heading home to be a pervasive sense of "I suck and nobody likes me."

Looking back I can see what led to this but what I knew at the time was, no way do I want to sit in this all day, and, screw trying to understand why I feel this way, I just need to take action to stop it.

So I do what I do when I feel isolated and alone. I emailed friends to set up phone dates. I confirmed movie plans. I stayed off of social media.

(I've written elsewhere about my frustration that I can't easily handle impromptu social interaction, so I'm not going into that here, but, no, I could not "just pick up the phone".)

And then I had a lovely day re-shelving my books and finally using the exercise bike and reading. Just like last year. Oh, and going to see Hamilton, which was The Dude's birthday present to me this year. (Oh. My. God. I have all the feels about this musical. Don't get me started.)

Then the next day dawned bright and sunny and I could go for my run and come home and laze about and read and eat chocolate before I even took my shower and it was lovely...

Until I thought, well, it's time to look at that list of Things I Was Going To Do With My Time Off.

Never do that. Not for a birthday vacation. Not ever, really.

My problem was that almost everything on that list was writing related, so in theory I was looking forward to it all... but in reality I have routines set up for my writing and outside of those routines I find it really hard to work on it. And having two days off is WAY outside of my routines.

Plus I just finished a massive chunk of work on it and maybe should have planned to give myself a little bit of a break...?

Long story short, I spent the rest of my day trying to force myself to be productive and failing, and that's never good for my head. And not a good way to end my time off.

Next time, I'm setting my to-dos like this:

RUN.
EAT CHOCOLATE.
READ.
Maybe putter a bit if it makes me feel good.
BUT MOSTLY READ.

Learn from my mistakes so you don't make them,
Annie

On "A Wrinkle In Time" & Not Having A Visual Imagination

I am so excited to see "A Wrinkle in Time". I was excited when I first heard it was being made as a film by Ava DuVernay, I got even more exited when I heard the Murrys were being cast as a biracial family, and then I was over the moon when I saw the preview at Christmas.

These books meant so much to me as a kid, and I knew they had meant a lot to The Dude, so I assumed we would see this together. But no. Apparently as a kid he had a very clear image in his mind of these books, so is hesitant to see this adaption, at least until he's heard more from other people. (He had the same reaction to the Harry Potter and Lord of the Ring movies, but ultimately came to love them.)

I have no such trouble!

While I certainly do process things visually, I don't have much of a visual imagination or memory, and I process things best physically - through movement, touch, and spatial relationships.

It took me a long time to learn this about myself. Probably because I have some skill in making art, and could memorize things easily. And because the visual is prioritized in Euro-American culture.

Has not knowing this hurt me? Only to the extent of having the sense that I didn't quite "get" things in the same way as other people. Descriptive passages in books, for example, frustrate the heck out of me. I can picture things, all right, but it takes a lot of effort and I have to really want to. So for a long time, for example, I thought there was something lacking in the way I responded to literature, or the type of reading material I preferred. (More so because I went to school with Very Smart People.)

And it would have been helpful to realize earlier on how I do process things. Both to take advantage of that information, and, again, not to think less of myself for how I process things. Moving while listening to someone (in a meeting, or a lecture, or on a phone call), is called fidgeting. Not a good thing, right? I definitely remember lectures about this a child. Now I deliberately wear items I can fidget with.

Going back to writing, I'm aware that I have to make a point of including visual description --- something to keep in mind for editing. I'm also hyper-aware when movement in books doesn't flow right. I have one favorite author where this is a constant issue; I adore her writing in many ways but I've had to decide not to try to make sense of positions when her characters are interacting with each other or with the space.

Back to the movie. It's one of the few times I'm grateful for not having a visual imagination - I have nothing in my head to compare this movie to. Now, will it get the feel of the books for me? I'll just have to wait and see.

Twitching in anticipation,
Annie

I Blush

It's been quite a week for outside affirmation, and it's only Friday.

One is a work-related invitation for some months from now, so I'm not jinxing that by naming it here.

One is very private (blush) so I'm definitely not sharing that here.

One I've been sharing all over the place (you may have already seen it); a devotion I wrote for work has gotten more attention than usual. In particular, I had the unexpected honor of having it read out loud at our weekly staff meeting.

I have noticed that the more I risk in these devotions - by being more personal, more emotional - the greater the response. That's a nice affirmation of what I've been trying to do in my writing and in my life: to be more brave, to allow myself to be vulnerable.

But it was also surprisingly gratifying to hear it read out loud to me.

There's a stylistic gap between the writing I did until about, oh, ten years ago, and the writing I do now. That's fine, I understand that, my form and my intent have changed so it makes sense my style would too. But I've missed aspects of my earlier writing and I've been trying to find ways to bring it back, but into these new forms.

When I heard that devotion read out loud, I heard echoes of my earlier writing - and that buoyed me. It gave me hope that I might be on the right track after all.

A small victory? Perhaps. But I will grab it and tuck it away to remember for when I'm feeling writer misery again.

Saving some sunshine for a rainy day,
Annie

Be Brave, Sleep More

No, those aren't connected, aside from both being resolutions for this year. Or maybe they are? (Something else to ponder... while trying to fall asleep, no doubt.)

1. Be brave.
2. Sleep more.
3. Respect my limits.

I get a lot of my inspiration these days from Twitter. (I promise this is the last Twitter mention for a while. Really.)

For all the vitriol I know people experience there, in my little corner of the Twitterverse I see a lot of encouragement. About a lot of things, but right now I'm thinking of the encouragement I've seen about being one's full self. About being brave. About self-care, knowing one's limits and keeping them safe.

Which has made me think about some of mine. So here's one of them.

I have a hand tremor, have had it since high school. I don't think of it as a disability, but in truth it has shaped me and changed life choices and limits what I can do.

(One early example: the doctor who saw me back then joked about it being a good thing I wasn't planning on being a surgeon. He didn't know me. He didn't know that. He didn't know I'd been planning for years to be a vet.
     Now, given the reason I'd noticed the tremor in the first place was because I had to have my lab partners do the measuring in chem class, he wasn't exactly wrong... But.
     Also, pretty sure he wouldn't have made this comment so quickly if I'd been a boy. 1988 and all.
     I joked about this incident for years without realizing how much it had hurt and how much it shaped how I think about myself in relation to the shaking.)

It poses physical challenges sometimes - I'll just find there's something I can't do.

It's painful sometimes - when it's especially bad I'll notice the muscles of my arms are trying to control it and then they ache. (Doesn't work anyway.)

It impacts decisions I make. It's gotten worse as I get older and I have other issues with my hands as well, so I anticipate a time when... well. Let's just say I've prioritized what's important for me to be able to do by hand, and let go of some activities I used to enjoy. And have started paying attention to certain commercials on MeTV.

On a day-to-day basis it's mostly background noise (getting louder over time). Looking back though I can see myriad things I have done over the years to accommodate it. And when I pay attention I see myself doing a half dozen little things in the course of a day without noticing.

So, as part of being brave and setting limits, I am starting to be more open about it. Declining to do things I know I can't do without difficulty, and asking for help when I need it.

Without apology, or letting myself feel less for it.

It's a new place for me. And one (here's where I get schmoopy) I wouldn't have gotten to without being on Twitter. So thanks.

Having too many feels to think of anything clever,
Annie

A Month Later, A Month Wiser (A Month More Ambitious...)

I had big plans.

I was going to knock out the first draft of this novel by the end of March. Or did I say the end of February? Whatevs. Clearly I was on writer's high. I think that's related to runner's high? 'Cause I've made the same kind of pronouncement about my running goals too, only to have it fall short of reality. Miles short.

After the glories of NaNo I floundered through pretty much all of December. I was having trouble figuring out a new writing schedule, for sure, but I also wasn't sure what I should be focusing on. Typing up my handwritten pages? Editing while typing or after? Writing new material? More research? All of that needed to happen. Eventually I settled down to typing up my pages without trying to significantly edit or write new material, and instead just keeping track of any new ideas and the changes I want to make.

And then...

I was chatting a bit with a friend on Twitter about wanting to see alt-history where the Aztecs defeated the Spaniards AND the resulting technological and social development was not along European lines. And I kept thinking about it, and then because neither of us have enough to do I suggested a writing challenge: to come up with a short story, set in that world, in six months.

And then an offhand comment of his made me think that this could fit into the story world I am currently working on. Since I had just come to the realization (yet again) that these books I have in mind are going to be more demanding than I previously thought (both world-building and stylistically), why not pull this in too? And thankfully I have calmed down the thoughts about needing to get this done by the time I'm... whatever age I'm fixating on at the moment.

Fairly quickly I had mapped out a set of questions for myself, avenues to explore, resources to investigate. I have some things already in mind... and my existing characters seem to be taking it in stride. Whew.

Happy writer wriggles. I feel like a pup given a new toy.

So I guess now I have bigger plans. I'll keep on typing up my pages through January and February, make notes for new stuff, get some more research done, and then use March as my own personal NaNo. Since it's my birthday month and I like giving myself challenges as gifts, obviously. And then... cycle repeat, probably, since it seems to be a cycle that works for me. And at some point things will get finished. Probably. Hopefully.

Still wriggling with writing pleasure,
Annie

Tweet, Tweet

About three months ago I started actively hanging out on Twitter. Prior to that I would occasionally go on, reading it as a kind of news feed. But I started noticing Twitter handles for some authors I love, and began adding them, especially once I saw they were posting all kinds of good writing advice, and book recommendations, and overall smart thinking about the state of the world. And from those people I found other people to follow and so on and so on... a whole world of really interesting and brave and beautiful and inspiring people. I don't think I can overemphasize how much I've been given by all this.

I never meant to start commenting myself.

But here's the thing. I've been looking for a writing community, a reading community, a queer community, for a while now. And while Facebook is useful for a lot of things I don't feel I can be my full self on it. My Twitter self is the closest to my writing self which is probably closest to my most deeply felt self. (And therefore also my most vulnerable and hungry self.)

In Twitter I've found the closest thing resembling tribe... I was going to say in a long time but I think perhaps ever.

So how could I not chime in, from time to time?

I wrote last month about some of the challenges I experience about being on Twitter. Since then I feel I've gotten more of the hang of it. Both how to be a respectful participant and how to manage my own anxiety. Because of course there are all the usual pitfalls of social media magnified by the fact that I don't actually know these people, yet feel compelled to bring my most fully felt self into that space.

It's been good practice in sitting through discomfort, let me tell you.

It's also made me think more about the roles I have in my real-world communities and the power I have, and also what I consider to be my work in this world. That is leading me to be more deliberate in some of the choices I make and what I voice. Hopefully more brave too.

And being deliberate and brave can never be a bad thing.

Quietly,
Annie